tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29363384346553688532024-03-24T21:52:19.967+00:00The Wrighty Way.......This blog has been set up so that Sally and Steve but mostly Sally! can share with friends, family and anyone else who's interested updates and news on how Wrighty is getting on with his battle against Kidney Cancer. Since setting the site up Steve passed away on the 10th November 2010. His memory and this blog will continue.Sallyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03647374044700700846noreply@blogger.comBlogger124125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2936338434655368853.post-39374036008618208152013-05-24T22:11:00.000+01:002013-05-24T22:20:42.867+01:00Loved and Lost but .........When you have had love and lost it through no fault of yours or your loved ones its so hard.<br />
Nothing either of you did or could have done can stop cancer.<br />
When cancer has its hold it wont let go. No matter how strong you both are. No matter how much you love each other, cancer doesnt care.<br />
So with this in my mind I am running 5k in aid of cancer research on Sunday. With a simple white piece of paper taped to my back and front with Steves name on it. I could write so many things on it but instead I simply will have his name on it. I know what this means and I dont need to say more.<br />
The minutes and days have turned into weeks, months and years since I saw his smiling face. His voice and touch encouraging me on with every day life. But now I feel it through the air. I can feel him and sense him. I still look to him for guidance. He looked at life as an adventure, one to grab with both hands and live.<br />
Which over the last few months Ive been doing. Ive suddenly found myself. A place where I accept that I cant change the past but I can certainly change the future.<br />
I had the most amazing time away in Thailand. A friend told me to make sure I experience everything and never being one to not take advise I certainly did that! And with bells on!<br />
And you know. I feel different. It was the first time in years where I didnt feel the burden of being a widow but instead found myself. Happy with life, not caring for material things but instead laughing and relaxing with great people.<br />
I feel great. I feel full of energy and like anything is possible. Like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I want to be happy and now for the first time feel like its actually possible. Happiness with another person shouldnt be something I feel guilty about but instead I should shout about it. I am a live. I cant change the past but I can change the future.<br />
So its with Steves blessing that I now move forward to the next chapter of my life....Sallyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03647374044700700846noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2936338434655368853.post-88129391740446913832013-03-02T00:41:00.000+00:002013-03-02T01:20:58.643+00:00ClockIve had a great week. A week in the US with brilliant work colleagues. People who make you feel like family. Like you belong to something great. And as sad as it sounds it has made me feel alive. That feeling that you can make something happen, with the right people and the right attitude anything is possible.<br />
Coming home was strange.<br />
Strange as I was looking forward to being back where my life is but back to a life where Steve still isnt here.<br />
Im not sure about Monday.....<br />
Im not sure how I will be. I know its a day of rememberence. A day when we can celebrate that Steve was born but I dont want to. Not that I dont want to remember. I remember constantly. I always have Steve at the forefront of everything but the bottom line is I dont want to be sad. Its an awful feeling planning for a day of sadness. Thinking what do I have in my work diary.... Do I take the day off as I might be sad. Do I tell people at work that I might not be good on that day..... No I dont want that. I want Monday to be a day where things just happen. And feelings are good rather than bad.<br />
Can you imagine planning for a sad day....<br />
Surely thats just a widow thing. Another post widow trait of mine. Never in my life have I planned for possibly / maybe being sad day.<br />
<br />
But who knows maybe I should have booked the day off as I have lots of work meetings. Maybe the team will wish I had. But I do so very hope not.<br />
Steve would have been 44 on Monday. How is that possible when we only got to celebrate with him until he was 41. And we did celebrate. An evening in TGI Fridays where the girls made him wear silly balloon hats! Hmmm that really wasnt Steve but he went along with it for the girls sake! Who knew then. Who knew that would be the last birthday we could celebrate with him.<br />
6 months later we would be at his funeral.<br />
And his 40th was the big one. I didnt know at the time that there would be no more special birthdays and in a strange way Im glad. Glad I didnt know this would be my one and only chance to show him that he meant the world to me. A 40th birthday which lasted a week. A week of surprises! Starting with his parents coming over from Spain through to his close friends and wives surprising him at the restaurant where we met and the Rolex. The Rolex he had admired for his adult life. Which I now wear. I was so happy I could organise all of the above. His face when he saw his parents, saw his friends sat in the restaurant and the look of absolute shock of the Rolex.<br />
<br />
Im glad I have those memories as those are what I want to remember on Monday. Not the day, the day when I said goodbye. But the day of memories when we all surprised him, made him realise how much he was loved by so many.<br />
<br />
<br />Sallyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03647374044700700846noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2936338434655368853.post-28628803049761213792013-02-17T22:07:00.000+00:002013-02-17T22:07:06.537+00:002nd Dates Well the clock is ticking and your birthday is nearly here. When ever I look at my calendar I always end up on the 4th March.....<br />
Why?<br />
Is it because your reminding me your still part of my life. Is it a sense of guilt on my part that Im moving forward?<br />
Im liking my life at the moment, busy with things that are now becoming normal.<br />
Normal post widowhood.<br />
Its hard at times to remember me as pre being a widow. Pre meeting you, seems forever ago! As much as we werent together for a huge amount of time, you played a huge part of my life even before you got ill.<br />
You taught me it was possible to meet someone who loved me for me. Loved me no matter what I said or did and for that I will always be grateful but the part when you got ill has changed me forever.<br />Seeing you ill, seeing you deal with the fact you were dying and seeing how you coped with that and still had time to love and be interested in everyone has changed me forever.<br />
Being the one who had to be strong so many times when I wanted to give up has effected me. Its only now when Im having to cope with the day to day tough times do I think back to what it was like to have to keep going. To still carry on with every day things when the love of your life is dying has made me a different person.<br />
So the post widow Sally is not the person she was before.<br />
I have less days of feeling lost without you but it does still come back and hit me between he eyes when I'm least expecting it!<br />
Im not sure I like what being a widow has made me into. Yes I like my new way of being, the person who has to only think about herself and her kids as opposed to where you are in your cancer cycle but it has made me colder.<br />
Less trusting, less believing. I use to believe anything was possible that I could own my own destiny and a sense of self belief that anything was possible if you worked hard enough at it.<br />
Well thats changed because quite simply Ive seen first hand that is not true. In fact more than that, its B** Sh**!<br />
So with the next chapter being here right and now and trying to move on, meeting new people Ive been described as cold!<br />COLD your having a laugh I want to scream!<br />You have no idea how un cold I am. Do you know what Ive been through, do you know I lost the love of my life.<br />
Have you ever had to choose a coffin! Have you had to write the words for a headstone!<br />
Hmmm but as you guessed it Ive kept those comments to myself and moved on. Not sure any of the words above would help me move onto a 2nd date!<br />
But maybe they are right.<br />
In reflection am I going out trying to meet you again. and when I arrive on the date and they are not you, maybe I am cold.<br />
As at the end of the day I dont want to be here.<br />
Ive been here got the t-shirt. I found the man I wanted to be with forever.....<br />
But I know Im not built to be on my own. I want to share my life with someone. Even at the grand old age of 36 Im not ready to settle for a life alone.<br />
So maybe I will have to take a deep breath and open up a bit more.<br />
I suppose its about a balance. I want to believe thats its possible to be happy again with someone else. I want to be carefree and not concern myself with the feeling that its going to all end but thats easier said than done. Life has shown me that Ive lost you and even with all of the fight we both had we couldnt stop that.<br />
So maybe I will have to accept that who ever I meet will have to know all about the love of my life and hope he can deal with that, as your always going to be part of me....... Wow he is going to have to be one special man! Putting up with me and you as a package!!<br />
<br />
Happy Birthday darling x x x I miss you now and forever and will always love you x<br />
<br />Sallyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03647374044700700846noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2936338434655368853.post-85925773107218163072012-12-20T00:18:00.001+00:002012-12-20T00:18:56.736+00:00I am.......<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am…..</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Coping</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Moving forward</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Dealing with it</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Happy</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Dealing with it</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Living</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Being</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Dealing with it</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Don’t you know that I am doing this. Life is for the living.
And that’s what Im doing but why oh why do you keep cropping up. I know your
not here. I know your happy for me, so why is that as Im trying to move forward
that I still talk and refer everything back to you.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I suppose because you not only were a massive part of my
life. The person that made me realise that it was possible to find a soul mate
and someone I could “fancy the pants off” and find intellectually challenging
and emotionally supporting (well sometimes!)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But that it was a surprise that I could be happy with my
life, with a person who I trusted with everything!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So trying to move forward keeps bringing me back.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Making me question whether its actually possible or whether
Im ready! </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Lets be honest as great as you were, what new man wants to
hear about your amazing ability to do everything better and more positive than
anyone else in the world. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And that’s before I
start talking about my new found medical excellence and the fact Im Professor
Hewitty!!!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Oh but I so want to. And I know you would want me to as
well.<br />
This xmas will be the 3<sup>rd</sup> one with out you. The 3<sup>rd</sup> time
Ive got to sit with the family who love me very much and you. With us knowing
your missing. Wishing you were there, with your great smile and silly jokes.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But your not and you wont be here again. No matter what we
think and wish, your not coming back.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So how does this new life look like?<br />
How does it feel?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
To be the single girl, or more to the point the single women or in fact I
should say the widow. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Oh my! How does that look. How do you behave when you have
more baggage than most lost property central <st1:place w:st="on">London</st1:place> stations. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Well god knows but Im going to do this, as Ive done the rest
of my life!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Yep with blind determination, not seeing nor wanting to know
how stupid this is but with the hopeful desire of anything is possible if you
try hard enough! </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
How do you meet new men and not witter on! How do I not tell
them in the first 30 seconds that Ive lost the love my life! And all of the intricate
details of Kidney Cancer. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Well Im not sure but as Ive said above Im going to give it a
damn good go! </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And who knows, maybe there is a man out there who can put up
with a woman who knows she met the love of her life but is hopeful that these
things are like buses and you can feel this more than once.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And make them understand that I want to be with someone
else. I want to be part of a new couple, knowing that I will be someone else
girlfriend and I want to be taken care of. After 2 years of Steve not being
here and 18 months of taking care of him. Im not sure what being taken care of
looks or feels like.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The partnership which sees you take care of each other, love
each other, cuddle each other and in fact just being a plural rather than the
single that Ive been.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I know this is hard for others to deal with. I know everyone
has there own grief to deal with but please wish me luck as I don’t want to be
in this place but as Ive said on multiple posts before I cant change where I
am, all I can do is make the best Ive where I am. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And Steve accepted this. He didn’t want to die but he knew
that after he was gone that people would be left behind and he didn’t want me
to be a sad lonely women who didn’t go out and spent her days as a recluse. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It is after all a life to be lived not one to waste, as life
is too short.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Sallyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03647374044700700846noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2936338434655368853.post-30615884153044231122012-11-09T20:09:00.001+00:002012-11-09T20:09:32.178+00:002 Years Well I really thought that I was going to be okay this year. It is after all 2 years since Steve died. I thought Im going to be okay. I dont have trouble dealing with the 9th of the month anymore and Im stronger. Alot has happened in the last 2 years and Ive dealt with them all!<br />
And after all it is only a date!<br />
<br />
Hmmm somehow think I misjudged this one! I know as a Wright Im not often wrong but happy to admit this one.<br />
Oh god it hurts. It hurts so much, it feels like the day he died. Feels like the moment I was left alone, to deal with things.<br />
So many things have happened since Steve died, so many positive things, so many tough things but all have come and gone without me being able to share them with my best friend. The person who I shared the most difficult things with. I sat there through all of the doctors appointments. Discussing how Steve wanted his memorial service and all of those things we discussed together. But now I cant even talk to him about the most simple things.<br />
<br />
I feel so sad.<br />
Sad doesn't even quite cut it as it hurts.<br />
Hurts, so much inside that I want to scream and run.<br />
Run from this ridiculous feeling of hopelessness <br />
I can deal with things. I can work things through, so why after 2 years can I not deal with this. I know he isnt coming back. I know he would want me to be happy. I know the 9th and 10th are simply dates. I know all of these things but they dont take away from the fact that he wasnt supposed to not be here. He wasnt old, he wasnt meant to die. We had so much living to do. We had only just started. So many plans, so many fun things to do and probably many painful things to deal with but ultimately we were meant to do those things together. I suppose its called future.<br />
We had a future planned and now all I have of us is a past.<br />
A past which I wouldnt change for the world but I suppose Im being selfish. I dont just want a past. I dont want simply memories. I want to live. But I want to live with Steve. I want to make new things to laugh and cry about.<br />
As silly as it sounds I would even settle with an argument right now. I want something. I want a reaction.<br />
<br />
But I know all of my wishing and wanting wont make those things happen. So I will have to settle with memories and remember I am lucky to have those memories as without those good times, this journey would be a lot harder.<br />
<br />
x xSallyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03647374044700700846noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2936338434655368853.post-91081613790425504962012-09-20T23:03:00.000+01:002012-09-20T23:03:06.245+01:00New but scaredGreat week and an even better weekend planned. <br />
<br />
Not sure why but I have a renewed energy. I feel alive and am liking the world Im in but Im scared. <br />
Scared that the dreaded months of Oct and Nov are just round the corner. <br />
What an awful thing, to dread the months of your own birthday, not to mention the fact that its Megs, Victorias and my adorable nephew birthday Max.<br />
So why.....<br />
Well Im happy. Happy with the new life that Guildford has presented itself with and I feel free to live my life. Without feeling like Im doing some wrong. I know those feelings have been in my mind but here in my new little cottage moving forward, laughing and making plans and looking forward it all seems okay.<br />
<br />So with this energy and lust for life. Im scared. Sacred that the month of October which saw Steve and I get married and the month of November which saw him died are just round the corner. I know these are simply dates. Moments in time which dont take away from all the other things but I cant help but be nervous. I want to be okay. I want to treat them as they should be treated. Celebrating and remembering Steve and our lives together but I just not sure Im strong enough.<br />
<br />
Well I suppose all I can do is do my best. And remember that Steve would have wanted me to be happy.<br />
<br />
x Sallyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03647374044700700846noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2936338434655368853.post-41576393495070630072012-09-16T00:45:00.000+01:002012-09-16T00:51:32.477+01:00Wedding of the YearWell as we all knew the bride and groom looked amazing. Not simply the amazing glamours, like they stepped out of a magazine cover! But what I didn't foresee was the love. The love of two people who had been through ups and downs together. The love of two people, who had two children. The love of people who knew what it was like to battle together already before they married through tough times. And there they stood. Looking at each other as though they were the only ones in the room. <br />
The love was infectious. Couple who maybe hadn't had that love for many years, were re united by the love that Kelly and Fish shared. And There was I ........<br />
Knowing what that love felt like. <br />
Knowing what commitment felt like but still being there alone. But not sad! No glad, knowing that love is possible. Knowing that a shared common goal means that two is better than one. <br />
So seeing 2 people that truly loved each other confirmed to me that it is possible to live again. Who knows where this journey will take me but one thing I know is that Im grateful that my friends still included me. <br />
It would have been easy to not include that "sad widow" on the invite but they didnt! Instead they went one step further and invited me and the girls, who both looked simply beautiful. Sat at a table with one person missing was hard but the laughs and the smiles pulled us through. Steve as always was in every ones thoughts and Im so glad I and the girls could be there to represent him.<br />
So tomorrow is a new day and tomorrow brings a new Mr and Mrs. And well I will always be a Mrs, just without my Mr here in the physical sense but always in the spiritual one......Sallyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03647374044700700846noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2936338434655368853.post-22099512483670038702012-08-30T22:53:00.000+01:002012-08-30T22:53:09.786+01:00The GreatestWhy?<br />
Is it the best things cause the sadness emotions?<br />
Why?<br />
Getting Megs GCSE results made me the happiest but I had to fight the sad feelings....<br />
Seeing your best friends.....<br />
Laughing with them at the silliest of stories<br />
Walking through the men's department at M&S?<br />
All these things make me feel sad?<br />
Why?<br />
I suppose because your suppose to be still here.........<br />
Your meant to be going on the stag do, not me..........<br />
You would be celebrating Megs great result......<br />
And you would be buying the stupid Autumn Orange trousers in M&S<br />
<br />
<br />
But your not, are you.......<br />
<br />
And life keeps moving, things to celebrate, things to buy because the seasons are changing....<br />
<br />
But your here, not physically but emotionally, people still talking about you, people still remembering the mad things you did....<br />
<br />
And Meg who is doing more,she is coping with her grief and trying to give back, She and a group of other young people have decided to make a difference. Young people who have seen and experienced things they shouldn't have lost loved ones, seen the pain of someone dying, dealing with the life after. And they want to take something positive. So through the hospice they are going to Kenya...... Not simply on a holiday but to stay in a Orphanage. A place full of other children who have lost the ones who matter most. And why? Well simply this group of 10 teenager who have all lost parents want to make a positive difference. <br />
So next August they are making the trip and they need to raise £2000 I know times are tough and every penny counts but if you can support I and Meg and the Orphanage would be grateful<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.justgiving.com/megan-lowe-kenyatrip">http://www.justgiving.com/megan-lowe-kenyatrip</a><br />
<br />
And I know Steve would be so very proud of her, he believed that every negative should be turned into a positive, we just so wish he could still be here.........<br />
<br />
Sallyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03647374044700700846noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2936338434655368853.post-48459239918263915342012-07-06T22:21:00.001+01:002012-07-06T22:21:47.193+01:00You need to hear thisI called you today. I wanted to tell you something!<br />
<br />
<br />
Our girls are super stars!<br />
<br />
Did you hear me...........<br />
<br />
I can’t hear you but I know you know.<br />
<br />
Both girls received awards today at school for athletics and I want to tell you.<br />
<br />
I want you to know that they have done well. <br />
<br />
"Of Course!" I can hear you say but I want you to know.<br />
<br />
Victoria received an Athletics badge and Megan received a full colour which she can wear as a tie every day! Both girls exceeding at Athletics as you knew they would.<br />
<br />
Any they miss you. They like I wanted to call and tell you about their achievements.<br />
<br />
They knew you would be proud, they knew you would tell everyone. So I took the liberty of texting your friends to tell them. I knew that they would have heard about it, if you were still here so wanted to share it with them.<br />
<br />
I miss you darling every day. I miss the fact that I’ve moved to escape the memories of the house you built for us but I know it’s the right thing to do! And you would be telling me to "Pull it together Hewitty!" but I wish I didn’t have too. I know a self wallowing moment but I hope I’m allowed the odd few.<br />
<br />
So our girls did good! And I told them both I am proud of them and you are too! They go quiet when I say that but I want them to both know your looking down on us! Smiling as you always did, cheering and wishing us well. I just wish you were still here so we could see you and hear you doing it. <br />
<br />
I miss you darling......... <br />
<br />
x x x x x <br />
<br />Sallyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03647374044700700846noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2936338434655368853.post-30119035365497190552012-06-30T23:00:00.001+01:002012-06-30T23:00:19.471+01:003 Weeks3 weeks / 21 days and it feels like home.<br />
<br />
<br />
In fact our new house in Guildford felt like home the day we moved in. Maybe because the furniture just fitted, maybe because the move was much easier than I thought but no matter what the reason it feels just right. <br />
<br />
A new life, a new start. Not on my own, as Steve is here. He will always be with me but in this house it feels like mine. A way of being me, after so long of just existing. A home where I can live. Rather than waiting.....<br />
<br />
Today was the real goodbye though, as today was the last day I can go into Birdwalk House when ever I like and that felt strange. Saying goodbye to an empty house which was so quiet and echoes. A house which was always felt full of life. A house which saw so many wonderful things and so many very sad things. Saying goodbye was hard. I know its still mine and only rented out. And I know I love where I am now but the fact I just can’t pop in there when ever I like. The fact another family is going to enjoy all of the things which Steve and I spent hours choosing for our family just feels sad. It feels final. The house is moving on and its time I did too.<br />
<br />
So in my new house in Guildford I plan to do just that! Well in fact I’ve already started! I walked into town this morning with Meg; we stopped for starbucks on the way, because we can! And I went off to a Pilate’s class and Meg off to a new part time job. <br />
<br />
So Guildford a new town, a new life. One for the living and that’s exactly what I intend to do.<br />
<br />Sallyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03647374044700700846noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2936338434655368853.post-56342652438574304772012-05-31T23:08:00.000+01:002012-05-31T23:08:41.220+01:00BoxesBoxes I hate you. I hate what you represent. Moving house the last time was so fun and exciting. It was the start of a new life. A life of living in our beautifully newly created family home.<br />
Steve and I spent 2 years getting to the point of moving in. Evenings, weekends, every spare moment we had, we worked on the house. I might as well have taken out subscriptions of house magazines considering the amount I bought. We were constantly on the look out for things and spent hours/days/weeks/months planning meticulously the details in our home. Many an evening was spent outside with Steve marking out with brooms and wood the size of the new ensuite/sitting room/dinning room - in fact every room so I could get a feel for the size. Steve did this for me, as his drawings on squared paper just didn't make sense to me. I needed to see it come alive. I remember going to an old timber yard and climbing across battered beams, so we could find a beam for our fire place. A real open fireplace that I so wanted. Steve changed the plans and incorporated a working fire into our sitting room. He did this because he was so keen and interested that we created a home that we both loved. So clambering over old wood not knowing what I was looking at, whilst Steve enthusiastically pointing out beams which could be "cleaned up" and would make a great feature for a brand new sitting room. So the old piece of wood as I saw it was chosen and then it was jet washed down and spent 3 weeks in my kitchen between the breakfast bar so it could dry out. I remember a night at my house with both girls and Steve limbo dancing underneath it! Who would have known that Meg the non dancer would be more flexible at limbo than Vix! Needless to say Steve won! And I came a poor 4th! <br />
So now this beautiful piece of timber has pride of place above our wood burner with pictures of Steve and the girls on it. <br />Looking at this reminds me that everything in this house has a story. Nothing was just "put" anywhere. The house was designed from the inside out, to create the perfect family home. <br />
So leaving this behind, packing boxes of our things is hard. I know this move is my choice. I know Im fortunate I dont have to leave. Im not being forced out but it is my choice. But it isnt really. What I want is the life I had. I want the family, the partnership, the love that Steve and I had to be back in this house. \Its almost to me that the house died the day Steve did. I can feel its emptiness. I now look at the house and remember the sad nights. The red chair symbolises the nights spent upset on them. Instead of the memory of the day Steve arrived home from work with a chair in the back of the car. I remember the house was still a building site. The extension didnt have a roof and here he was with a chair! I remember saying " What is that! Where will that go?" And all he could say was its beautiful and we will find it home in our new place. And that we did, it has pride of place in our kitchen. It now reminds me no longer of how we came about having it but more about the evenings sat on it, wishing and wanting Steve to return. <br />
So red chair Im not sure your coming with me on this next part of the journey. Many other things will be but I think its time you got a new home. <br />
<br />Sallyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03647374044700700846noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2936338434655368853.post-68543288661834844472012-05-27T23:31:00.003+01:002012-05-27T23:31:56.900+01:00My NanShe used to say something which I didnt realise until now how true it was.<br />
"Worry About Those That Do, Not Those Who Dont"<br />How true this is, finding myself travelling down a path that I dont want to be on Ive realised what family, friends and true love is about.<br />
Everyone suffers in their own way when they loose someone and Steve was a larger than life character. He touched so many peoples lives. Like the guy who came to measure up a replacement window, to the letters I've found from the girls he knew at school. All of these people have a story, have a memory and all wish he wasn't gone.<br />
But he is gone.<br />
Nothing we can do can bring him back. Me staying in our house and wishing and wanting him back, will not make him return. I only knew Steve for a fraction of time compared to his family and friends. But we were in love. Love with each other, making plans for the future, laughing at our pasts and both wishing we had got to spend more time together.<br />
Why is it people measure love/caring by time you had with each other. Ive become to realise that is nonsense. You can be with someone for 10 plus years and not go through what Steve and I did. I was there with him through the pain, suffering. I was his rock! And that was his words. He knew I loved him. He knew I would fight for him and most of all he loved me. So why is it now when Im making the next step, not that I want to be taking any steps that people feel they have a right to control me. Im not wanting to hurt anyone. I knoew people are suffering but Im suffering. Can you imagine living in a house which you built for your family and your family is ripped away. Yes Im still here, Yes Megs is still here and Yes Victoria is as well but Steve isnt. He was the one that made us complete and without him, it just feels empty. Everything we do here feels like there is someone missing because there is.<br />
So today I spent the day laughing and living life with people who love me and the kids who are happy for us as we take this next step. With family who realise that this month will be hard and that Im being brave. I dont want medals I just want to be happy. I want to be laughing, being silly, having fun! And that is exactly what Steve would have wanted for me and the kids.<br />So for those who arent happy, well quite simply I will refer back to my Nans saying.<br />
Because my friends and family are the ones who matter and for those people I do care and will always do my best. And that is how Steve felt about me and the girls. He wanted to take care of me and the girls and he would be pleased that my "Can Do" "Fighting Spirit!" has returned. <br /><br />
<br />
<br />Sallyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03647374044700700846noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2936338434655368853.post-22109930179082085982012-05-19T00:02:00.001+01:002012-05-19T00:26:53.368+01:00MovingMoving - Not far, not away, not forever just small steps in a journey that I wish every day that I could change.<br />
Wishing wont change things though. Its the here and now that what is life is about. Not forgetting, nor regretting but just trying to do the best for everyone. <br />
Moving house just feels the right thing to do. <br />
Not sure how I will feel not looking at the wonderful home that Steve and I created but I know Ive got to at least try. Hence why the house is only being rented. Rented feels less final. <br />
It gives me the chance to change my mind. <br />
Not that I think I will but I need the get out clause. Who knows if it is right, who knows how I will feel leaving the house for the last time. <br />
Im dreading the next month. <br />
Moving house is always stressful but knowing you have to box up your husbands things, discover the things buried at the back of the garage. Sort out the clothes, the personal things. Things you have forgotten about or discovering things that you dont know exist. <br />
I think its the fear more than the doing that Im dreading most. I know that the "doing" is simply practical tasks and I know Ive lots of people to help me but I dont want it to turn into an event. I dont want to "plan" sorting out Steves things I just want them to happen. I dont want to think about it I just need to do it! You know that practical approach not the emotional one. <br />
But what I do know is that it is going to hurt. I dont want to be bagging up and bringing down the stairs Steves suits. I dont want to be looking at the leaf blower, hedge trimmer etc knowing that Im never going to use any of these things but know that it will be painful parting from them. <br />
But these things have to be done. <br />
The move to Guildford is something I am excited about. The ability to live somewhere and experience things as myself not the person who carries the sadness of being a widow. The ability to see and discover things that dont constantly remind me of what I have lost. Instead have fun, laugh, smile and live. <br />
After all Steves lived his life following the James Dean quote - <br />
Dream as if you will live forever, live as if you will die today <br />
and well its time I followed in the same footsteps. <br />
<br />Sallyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03647374044700700846noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2936338434655368853.post-52481488803162392092012-04-12T23:44:00.002+01:002012-04-13T17:29:39.011+01:00Twists and TurnsForward isn’t a choice in life. It’s just a must......<br />
<br />
Where else do you look when you have lost everything that is normal to you?<br />
<br />
It makes you question normal.<br />
<br />
Normal is laughing at the same things, making fun at the same things. And when you don’t have these shared things how can anything be right......<br />
<br />
Well you do what you have to do but when you don’t have a waist of a 20 year old or a mindset then how do you do it…..Well not in the way that anyone think is normal. <br />
<br />
What is it that life has to offer someone who knew what she wanted? Not only for herself but for her daughter as well. How do you move forward with that? <br />
<br />
Not a question I’ve asked on this blog before…..<br />
<br />
But how do you move forward without people thinking you didn’t love your husband with every being that you have. Or with people thinking you have forgotten.<br />
<br />
I can’t and won’t have forgotten Steve, nor would I ever have anyone think I didn’t love him because I did. If I could have changed his path in life I would have done. Sat at my kitchen table, no our kitchen table I would do anything to change the past. I wish this blog doesn’t exist. Wish instead we were dancing round our kitchen as we often did – because we could! But I can’t…….<br />
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Why is when people are faced with divorce people encourage you to meet someone new but when the love of your life has been taken from you, they want you to stay where you were. Almost to protect their memory of the person.<br />
<br />
Well my memory is 2 cups of coffee in the morning, not the one that I make now. 2 bed side lamps being turned off at night, not one. <br />
I want my old life. I want my old dreams. I want the family I so longed for and I had. I want to pretend that these things will just happen but how can then this be when what I want was my past.<br />
<br />
My past not only with Steve but my hopes and dreams of a family life filled with the mundane family like things. House re decoration, friends round for supper, laughs and silliness that you only get with people you have known for a long time.<br />
<br />
So how does anyone or anything compare to this.<br />
<br />
Well at this point they simply don’t! Not their fault more mine than theirs. But I can’t do anything about this.<br />
It’s simple really I want my old life back and that is a fact.<br />
My life had been about meeting the person to settle down with, to be with like my parents and my brother and his wife, I wanted that family unit and being the determined person I was I knew I was going to get it.<br />
Funny then that I found it and Cancer took it from me. Damn you cancer, not damn you Steve as you wanted it too. And we were so damn happy! But cancer you didn’t care did you. You didn’t care that I had found the love of my life. You didn’t care that we were finally a family. A unit which was secure and happy. <br />
<br />
So now trying or should I say attempting to move forward I find myself meeting wonderful people, who are lovely and caring but for each thing they do to be kind to me reminds me of the fact your not here anymore. Maybe its out house, maybe it’s because your things are still here? Maybe it’s because I’m not ready? Who knows?<br />
But what I do know is that Steve will always be the love of my life and noone can take that from me. And I will never stop missing him…….<br />
So for those of you who do know me, then you will know Im doing my best and don’t judge me if I move forward. Steve would have wanted it and I wont do anything to hurt anyone. I just need to move forward from this place……<br />
<br />
Because what does this place offer me? <br />
<br />
He isn’t here….. He isn’t here for me to make the coffee for or to turn the bedside lamp off for……Sallyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03647374044700700846noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2936338434655368853.post-74626640439452315362012-03-30T00:07:00.000+01:002012-05-19T00:29:23.086+01:00Get Here If You can........You can reach by rail wail , you can reach me by caravan <br />
<br />
I dont care how you get here...........<br />
<br />
Damn You Oleta Adams and damn you South Africans for playing this song whilst Im relaxing in my hotel. <br />
Funny this song as its as soppy as they come but so true. <br />
<br />
I am in South Africa with work! I know how glamorous......<br />
<br />
The last time I was here was with Steve our last holiday as a couple and what a holiday it was! <br />
<br />
We had such fun! Mad times laughing being silly because we didnt have a care in the world. No cancer on the scene at that point but looking back Steve probably did have cancer but it hadnt invaded our life by then. <br />
<br />
Well this song talks about not caring, not caring about how someone gets here. Be here now I dont care how get here, just get here if you can. <br />
<br />
But you cant can you! Well not in body but in spirit I know you here. <br />
<br />
Big week for me and the company this week. We have a big pitch to do but the team is great and we have the evidence to prove its a no brainer but still I would like that last minute pep talk you were always so good at. It went something along the lines of "Get on with it Woman!" nothing deeper than that, just about belief and your ability to make me feel better and do you know what I hated it at the time. I dont know what I wanted, maybe a sympathetic ear, to be told it will all be alright and that it was going to be fine etc etc.<br />
Now I would do anything to hear your voice telling me to get a bloody move on! But I suppose in a funny way I do have it because your still here in my brain. I can hear you, your words of encouragement I just wish I could feel your arms wrapped around me giving me the cuddle!<br />
<br />Sallyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03647374044700700846noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2936338434655368853.post-59555280875251713542012-03-19T19:12:00.000+00:002012-03-19T19:12:48.002+00:00Why?Why is it I do something that makes me feel like crap?<br />
<br />
But then I ask mysefl what is my crap compared to Steve's pain and suffering and those others who benefit from the hospice.<br />
<br />
Today I spoke after lunch at a Ladies Fashion Show in aid of the Woking and Sam Bere Hospice.<br />
It is my 4th time speaking at an event and it is getting harder each time. This confuses me as I thought it would get easier. <br />
<br />
Here is the speach I gave today and even a photo :-)<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzuAIt6aht0oLBBz4arsBP-fkh6WVvLx0cBalzA_L9IxxXc1m1IgYy9I9xyILjLKZAfUIU6xijhm9ShVOcyj0m7h4I19Ojj7SSyG2to1aiporifq_JV3tqp9vURHxJ_-EN9J5_fDRlZG4/s1600/405075_370864572936528_108569099166078_1125612_2137918887_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; cssfloat: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img aea="true" border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzuAIt6aht0oLBBz4arsBP-fkh6WVvLx0cBalzA_L9IxxXc1m1IgYy9I9xyILjLKZAfUIU6xijhm9ShVOcyj0m7h4I19Ojj7SSyG2to1aiporifq_JV3tqp9vURHxJ_-EN9J5_fDRlZG4/s320/405075_370864572936528_108569099166078_1125612_2137918887_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><em><span style="font-size: x-small;">To love gives you strength, to be loved gives you courage…….</span></em><br />
<em><span style="font-size: x-small;"></span></em><br />
<em><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"></span></em><br />
<em><span style="font-size: x-small;">The love that I had for Steve gave me the strength to fight for him and the love that I received from him meant I have had the courage to continue on since he lost his battle in 2010 against cancer.</span></em><br />
<em><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"></span></em><br />
<em><span style="font-size: x-small;">Steve was 40 when he was diagnosed with cancer and within 18 months he lost his battle. A battle he nor I didn’t fight or live through alone. We had Woking Hospice by our side. </span></em><br />
<em><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"></span></em><br />
<em><span style="font-size: x-small;">Within a matter of weeks of his terminal diagnosis we were introduced to Jane Howard a Community Palliative Care Nurse. Jane for those of you who don’t know her is quite simply an angel in disguise working for W Hospice. She didn’t simply act as a traditional nurse but she was my rock. She helped me to help Steve.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="font-size: x-small;">We like many people thought we knew what a hospice was, we immediately thought of this terribly sad place where quite frankly people go to spend their last days.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="font-size: x-small;">How wrong we were. The hospice is so much more than that.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="font-size: x-small;">Steve didn’t want “fuss!” He was after all a 40 year old man at the peak of his life and career. A man who was born to be in sales – they said “ he could have sold snow to Eskimos!” </span></em><br />
<em><span style="font-size: x-small;">Steve always lived his life to the full, he spent far too much time playing cricket, golf, football and in fact any competitive sport he could! </span></em><br />
<em><span style="font-size: x-small;">He was a mans, man always with a smile and took an intent interest in everything and everyone. But above all of this he was a family man. He loved his children Victoria and Megan who were quite simply his most proud achievements. </span></em><br />
<em><span style="font-size: x-small;">So as we came to the end of a 2 year building project of our forever home and Steve began to feel tired and lost weight nether him nor I imagined for one moment that he had cancer. Cancer is something you read about in the newspapers but doesn’t happen to your loved one? But in Steve’s case he had a 9cm cancerous tumour on his left kidney, which by the time of diagnosis had spread to his lungs. </span></em><br />
<em><span style="font-size: x-small;">Cancer or no Cancer Steve didn’t give up! He concentrated on living his life and letting me who he named Dr Hewitty to sort out “the medical side of things!” He didn’t want to see nurses or doctors! All he wanted to do was go about things as he always had done.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="font-size: x-small;">I always remember that first meeting. And to be honest Steve was not looking forward to the meeting and as he described it “I don’t want any bothers coming to see and talk to me about what I can and cant do now that I have cancer!” How wrong he was! Jane quickly made it clear that she was there to support Steve in any way he needed help and certainly not to interfere or stop him living his life! And having grown up with 3 brothers and married to a fire man she knew that fussing was not what Steve wanted!</span></em><br />
<em><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"></span></em><br />
<em><span style="font-size: x-small;">When you have a terminal illness life has to be about quality and that is what Woking Hospice is all about. Ensuring that everyone from the patient, to immediate family and friends are treated and cared for as individuals. And most importantly able to be the person you want to be without pain. </span></em><br />
<em><span style="font-size: x-small;">As Steve illness progressed! Jane played more of a role. Often in the background and mostly directly with me and our GP, the hospice found a way to support Steve without him feeling like a patient. And a way that he felt in control of his life.</span></em><br />
<em><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"></span></em><br />
<em><span style="font-size: x-small;">Jane and the Hospice team got use to Steve, knowing him well enough to know he wasn’t going to be stopped from playing golf, cricket or cheering Megan and Victoria on at sporting events. They knew Steve was going to challenge them and challenge them he did! Well after all he was Mr Wright!</span></em><br />
<br />
<em><span style="font-size: x-small;">Sadly 1 week after Steve and I were married in October 2010, things took a turn for the worse for Steve he no longer had any appetite and he was having trouble walking. By this time the cancer had spread. It was at this time that Jane suggested that Steve should come into the hospice for some round the clock support.</span></em><br />
<em><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"></span></em><br />
<em><span style="font-size: x-small;">This was to be Steve’s home for the last 3 weeks of his life. But it wasn’t just Steve’s home; it became the centre of everything. I moved into the hospice with Steve, the staff set up an attachment to his bed so that we could have a double bed; they even went so far as to put chocolates on the pillow and call it the honeymoon suite! Steve parents moved in upstairs in the dedicated family unit, where they had their own room, bathroom and kitchen. The day room in the hospice turned into the social gathering, with Steve holding court as he always did! Victoria Steve’s daughter aged 10 commented on the fact that they even had a kids room! </span></em><br />
<em><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"></span></em><br />
<em><span style="font-size: x-small;">Nothing fazed the hospice team! I remember one of the first evenings secretly our friends bought in a bottle of wine for me, hidden beneath a coat! But we didn’t have a corkscrew! A nurse walked past and saw and said no problem I think we have one in the kitchen! So after that the wine arrived on a nightly basis and was kept in the ice machine!</span></em><br />
<em><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"></span></em><br />
<em><span style="font-size: x-small;">Pizzas were delivered, curry was brought in, no visiting times, no strict rules of who can and cant come! Everyone and everything is welcome. </span></em><br />
<em><span style="font-size: x-small;">This time was tough for us all but Steve felt safe, he wanted to be there. It allowed me to spend real quality time with Steve. I could stop being Steve’s carer and instead be Steve’s wife.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="font-size: x-small;">On the 10th November Steve passed away peacefully, out of pain and with his family by his side. The hospice allowed all of this to be possible. Steve’s wishes were honoured right to the end. </span></em><br />
<em><span style="font-size: x-small;">I continue to have support from the hospice through their bereavement support and in turn I and Steve’s friends have organised several charity events for them. Last week we ran a golf day where we raised £2000 and have cricket and football matches planned for the summer. Even the kids get involved and have run in the Santa Fun run for the last 2 years dressed in Reindeer and Snowman Suits!</span></em><br />
<em><span style="font-size: x-small;">As difficult as it is for me to do these type of events Im always brought back to the same thought. Without the hospice life would have been a million times harder for Steve and I and knowing this and knowing that every penny makes a real difference drives me on to continue to make as many people as I can aware of how amazing the hospice is. </span></em><br />
<em><span style="font-size: x-small;">Finally Im going to leave you with a James Dean quote that Steve lived his life by.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="font-size: x-small;">“Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die today,”</span></em><br />
<br />
As I said in my speach Im driven to do these things because I know they make a difference but they are also now making a difference to my life but not in a good way. Since leaving the lunch Ive barely been able to function. I just want to go to bed and wake up with a new day. I suppose its about being taken back to a place which was so painful. Painful memories of Steve not the happy ones which I try to surround myself with on a daily basis. What I dont say during my speach is the heartache of seeing your loved one fighting for his breath and having to help him get dressed as he became so weak putting on his shoes and socks was too much. But those are the thoughts Im left with after a speach. Those are the momories that come flooding back to me. Seeing a young handsome man who had so much to live for, dieing in front of your eyes is an awful memory. <br />
So days like today whilst I know they help to make a difference I think are numbered for me. Its almost like my strength has been beaten and its time to hang up my speach making day but maybe I will feel different in the morning. For now Im off for a large glass of wine looking forward to tomorrow arriving. <br />
xSallyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03647374044700700846noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2936338434655368853.post-69246508211067741832012-03-01T23:10:00.001+00:002012-03-01T23:22:38.577+00:00Simples.....meerkats anyone?It is just the simple things in life that make us smile.<br />
We can work and work and work but ultimatley its the simple things that make us happy. <br />
No matter what car you drive or the house you live in these things all become irrelevant when your unwell. The over riding thing you have when you loose someone is not what you had in material sense but what you had emotionally.<br />
Ive realised that as strong as I am in mind ultimately its my heart that dictates how I feel.<br />
I can stand in front of my team and lead from the front. I can deliver a pitch to a client on the merits of my company but ultimately when I come home at night its my heart that rules how I feel.<br />
Tonight I came home from a long day and an amazing work day but its the simple things I needed. <br />
A cuddle, a smile, a cup of tea and these things whilst they cost nothing in monetry terms mean everthing in emotional ways.<br />
I looked for the first time back at videos of Steve, why I dont know but suppose it was about remembering. Up until now I had avoided seeing or hearing Steve "live" but tonight I needed to. Remember him as he was not just the memory but "live" And he was more than I remembered the laugh, the smile which still caught my breath. The determined spirt that every Wright is simple born with. <br />
Why now well I suppose with Steves birthday coming up on Sunday and knowing this will be a day of pain but one I so want to be about celebrating. Celebrating this was the day that an amazing man came into the world. But how do you celebrate when the man you last saw on his 41st birthday was wearing a ballon made hat in TGI Fridays. Is now not here ..........<br />
Steve was a great man who brought hapiness to everything he did. <br />
Our family holidays were spent in Spain, with Steves parents and the fun times were made of the simple things. <br />
Races up and down the beach with pizza boxes balanced on coke cans. An idea which came from Megs desire to eat Pizza on the beach soon turned into a competitive game! (Well we were with the Wrights) <br />
A game made of such simple things but born out of the fact that no matter what you have in life if you have family and love then anything can be fun. And this is what we did. Without question we would all join in. Whether you were 70 or 7 you had to take part.<br />
The laugher of this video took me back. Took me back to place of simple happiness. Not stuggling with cancer or grief but a life of laughing.<br />
How do you move forward from this. <br />
Well by Jesus Im trying but this week is damn hard! <br />
No matter what I do or say I seem to be brought back to a place of grief! <br />
Oh please I thought I had dealt with this! Im moving forward dont you know!<br />
And then I remember that as strong as my mind is my damn emotional heart just cant keep up!!Sallyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03647374044700700846noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2936338434655368853.post-13903087800511742912012-02-17T23:43:00.000+00:002012-02-17T23:43:01.970+00:00To have lovedTo have loved and lost is surely better than to have never loved.......<br />
<br />
A statement used so casually in the movies but one I can truly appreciate.<br />
<br />
To have been with someone who was so proud of you. Someone who praised you and was so happy when you came home. That feeling of seeing someone again, when you have only been parted for a few hours but it felt like forever. Is one that no one can ever take away from me.<br />
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A feeling that at my lowest doesn't make me sad but makes me glad.<br />
<br />
Many people live a life never knowing that feeling and as easy as it would be for me to feel angry that I had that for such a short time before life so cruelly took it away it doesn't. It instead makes me realize that it is possible. It is possible to be with someone who thinks you are FAB, someone who loves to tell their friends all about how wonderful you are. And someone who is not only a great friend and a trusted partner but someone who takes your breath away. I knew Steve for such a short space of time but he was everything I wanted in a partner. Not that we didn't argue, gosh I remember heated debates on all sorts of topics but none of which ever lasted more than an evening. We never went to bed on a cross word. We lived our lives knowing even before cancer that life was too short to go to sleep on an argument. And it was this attitude that meant we just knew that we were soul mates.<br />
<br />
<br />
It makes life now a strange place to be. On the one hand I know I will never expect anything less but on the hand knowing that these things just don't come knocking at your door. And even without waiting at home how likely is it that you can find this more than once?<br />
<br />
Life is good at the moment, busy with work and with the spring trying to arrive and the garden starting to wake up I feel myself looking forward to the year. Amazing how time is a healer. It doesn't make you forget, you never forget just learn to deal with the emotions and use them to bring comfort rather than despair.<br />
<br />
Im continuing to be involved with the James Whale Kidney Cancer fund and the Hospice which helps me and I think helps them.<br />
<br />
So life is still a journey and now instead of dreading, not knowing what the next day will bring Im just trying to enjoy the steps and treat the twist and turns as all part of being lucky to be alive.Sallyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03647374044700700846noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2936338434655368853.post-63748958149272761332012-01-29T23:19:00.001+00:002012-01-30T08:05:55.190+00:00ForwardI miss you. Its Sunday and Sundays have always been hard without you but its more than Sundays. I miss you every day. I miss talking to you, sharing life with you. Debating as we always did on nearly every topic that touched our lives. And I miss you.<br />
I feel now desperate to move on. Not forgetting you. I will never ever forget you, nor replace you but I need to move on. I need to move past being defined by the woman who lost her husband/soul mate. Not so much because of the title but more to do with the companionship. I cant and wont ever replace you but I have to believe that I will love again. I know not in the same way but I want to love and I want to be loved. Is that wrong? Is the time too short? All questions I ask myself and I know others ask.<br />
I dont know. Is their a time limit? Is their a right time?<br />
All I do know is that we werent put on this earth to be alone.<br />
Now Im not talking "living with someone!" Im not even talking about serious dating but something.<br />
And at this time I dont know what that something looks like. I just know I cant stand being in the place Im at right now.<br />
So I want you to know that what ever happens I love you. If I could do anything to bring you back I would. Sit in a dark room only wearing black for 5 years I would do it but I know that wont change things. Nothing is going to bring you physically back but I know I have you I have you by side, in my heart forever.<br />
I still question the absolute madness that is a life without you in it. I still hear you and I know we talked about this and I know you always said you wanted me to live my life and be in love again.<br />
You were never a jealous man, in fact times when I moaned at you to be more jealous.<br />
I visited our friends today, just popped into say hi. They were busy getting ready to go out as a family, as we would have been only a couple of years ago. I wanted to see one of your friends as they remind me of you. Remind me of how you were. Remind me that life moves on. People are on this earth to live.<br />
I dont know what this stage will mean nor bring but I do know I need to do something for me but most of all I want you to know I loved you and still love you, now and forever.<br />
<br />
x xSallyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03647374044700700846noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2936338434655368853.post-58350180367854602992012-01-15T22:49:00.001+00:002012-01-15T22:54:41.425+00:00Barry NormanWell its official I am not good at picking films! <br />
This evening I thought it would be a good idea for Megan and I to go to the cinema! As Megan is officially a film addict and had seen most things on I was allowed to pick. Big mistake! <br />
I should say last time we went to the cinema I picked and we ended up both crying as we went to see "One Day" where the woman gets killed at the end, just after she had found the love of her life! And this time I chose "The Iron Lady" which I thought would be a good one about Margaret Thatcher! How wrong was I! We had to walk out after 40 mins as I thought I was going to sob loudly! Now I should point out it wasnt her politics I felt like crying about but the film portrays her struggling to deal with the loss of Denis. It is constantly referring to this and she can see him and cant bare to remove his clothes from the house. Her pain at loosing him centres the whole story! It felt like someone was stabbing my chest. And so I did what I could do and suggested Meg and I left. I wasnt sure that the rest of the cinema needed to hear me crying and more importantly didnt want Meg to witness it. <br />
So with the excuse of being tired we left. Megan has now decided that she will not be going to the cinema again with me unless she has watched a trailer first!<br />
I think it hurt so much as I saw Margaret's daughters on at her to remove his clothes and her resistance to this and I could understand. Not that anyone has been on at me but I keep thinking of it and I have sorted out some of things. In fact I asked a good friend who is a wizz at curtain making to make me a couple of cushions out of Steves dressing gown. I know it might sound odd but Steve had a silk dressing gown which he had since he was 18 and he loved it! It was so old fashioned and paisley but he loved it! No matter what the weather he would wear it, strolling around the garden having a cigarette! His Mum even sent him money for Xmas a few years ago and put a note in saying buy yourself a new dressing gown! But he flatly refused. <br />
As much as I wasnt the biggest fan of the dressing gown it was him! And every time I went to the bathroom it just starred at me! And it hurt to look at it, thinking it would never be used again! So I asked my friend and she made me 2 small cushions and I have put one away for Victoria and the other is on my chair in my bedroom. However as for the rest of the things, well they made it only as far as the guest bedroom. I will probably do something this year but I had not thought about it. Until that is I saw this damn film tonight! <br />
I was only thinking last night about how I had missed the 10th of the month! I obviously didnt miss the 10th but didnt think of the significance of it. In fact I even was okay on the 9th which is normally my nightmare day! And I was okay! Not just okay but good. Life has been busy with work and all things are going well. The xmas break was bearable and Im determined that 2012 is going to be a good year! A year about making things happen and lots of fun and adventure! <br />
Tonight proved to me Im still very sensitive to things and it doesnt take much for the sad feelings to come back with force.<br />
So from now on Megan will be choosing the films! Hmmm lots of flick chicks for me I think!Sallyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03647374044700700846noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2936338434655368853.post-43947665082055278762011-12-21T23:16:00.000+00:002011-12-21T23:16:27.986+00:00WinningToday I got an amazing Xmas present...... And I think Steve you were part of it. No I’m sure you were!<br />
<br />
<br />
Today I found out we won a big no huge deal at work! To some this may seem an odd present but I’ve been so focussed on it for the past few months, the thing that’s been keeping me going. And today we found out we had won! <br />
Some parts of life are about choices, choices we make on a daily basis - to get out of bed smiling or not! To keep moving forward or to give up! Most of us have choices like this.<br />
This year it would have been easy to have given up. Given up on life. To stop living and just let the world carry on. But I didn’t.<br />
Not that their weren’t days when I could have quite easily given up on the whole bloody world but how could I when I had Steve in my ear! Telling me to get on with it. Pull yourself together woman! <br />
<br />
If Steve could do this when he was ill, then in health how could I do anything less! <br />
<br />
I text some close friends tonight to share the news. <br />
The one person I wanted to tell I did tell but had to walk to the cemetery to tell. I placed a single rose and a very big kiss on Steve’s headstone, as I know he would have been so proud of me. One of my friends said something so true. Steve was proud of me full stop. Deal or no Deal he was proud of me! And you know what how right he was. Steve was proud of me and to have that feeling in your heart keeps you going. <br />
<br />
I’m fighting so very hard not to feel sad. Which I know is silly given I’ve had brilliant news but like before the highest points also can be the lowest but I keep repeating the phrase. <br />
<br />
"Tomorrow I will be Sad.... Today I will be Glad." <br />
<br />
That is so true. Today is about being Glad. Glad for making it through a year which would have been so easy to have given up on but instead leaving the year feeling so proud of mine and the kid’s achievements. <br />
<br />
So cheers Mr Wright!! This one is definitely for you..................Sallyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03647374044700700846noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2936338434655368853.post-57525533368118091672011-12-11T20:56:00.002+00:002011-12-18T22:16:27.962+00:00Christmas with the WrightsToday we had Christmas early.......<br />
<br />
<br />
The Wright family all came together at our house but I suppose its not our house anymore is it? You missed it but gosh you were here in spirit.<br />
So as your parents were over we thought we would all come together and celebrate Christmas. <br />
The full works Turkey, crackers and we even used the dinning room. The room I haven't used since you left us. And we even lit a fire. <br />
The house was buzzing, full life. It felt exactly like the times when we had people over and I kept walking into the kitchen, expecting to see you. All through dinner I kept looking down as I could feel you reaching over to give me a touch of your hand brushing my knee, telling me I had done a good job.<br />
I missed you today and I know I wasn't the only one. Your parents, Aunt, Uncle, Sister, Nephew, Niece and of course our girls. All of us didn't say anything but I know it just felt wrong, it was all to close to how it would have been if you were here. . We made a great team! You were always such an amazing host, making sure everyone was happy and I love to entertain. It really hit me this morning, when I went to extend the dinning room table. I had no idea how to do it! Well why would I! I never did, you did. Not that I thought it would be hard to work out! Gosh how wrong I was! I had no idea, luckily a friend and her husband arrived just at the right time! <br />
<br />
But its the small things that make me realise I'm living in a house where I've still to discover new things that you always took care of! <br />
<br />
But I'm feeling stronger. I'm taking big strides and laughing and going out more and more, which most of the time feels good but days like today make me realise how good we were together. Our girls were brilliant, it was like they knew we had to pull together as you weren't here. I feel so lucky and proud to have such 2 amazing children. And we are here for each other.Sallyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03647374044700700846noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2936338434655368853.post-31974871309646113152011-11-17T21:30:00.000+00:002011-11-17T21:30:06.551+00:00Back on TrackWell last week was a write off! You will have seen on the blog I was suffering, not coping well. Couldn't see anything but my grief. Well I'm pleased to say normal state has resumed. Not that normal state is all smiles but it is at least more smiles than tears.<br />
<br />
<br />
And this week I truly have something to smile about! I'm getting a new car! I know what has happened to me! I've become the woman equivalent of Jeremy Clarkson! Now that is surely a blue job! But no I've been searching auto trader so much it is the default web address that comes up when I open up the lap top! <br />
Worried.com<br />
<br />
And where would I be without my resident expert Nick. Nick has had to put up with me changing my mind, then changing it again! I've gone from a 4x4 to a 2 seater, to a convertible and back again! Oh and at one point was even thinking about getting 2 cars. Until Nick pointed out that as I am the only one who can drive in my house and I'm not into blue jobs then 1 car was more than enough! Good Point!!! So with Nick having the patience of a saint I was able to confidently buy a new car. Its scary doing things on your own and I'm so very lucky to have great friends who help me. <br />
<br />
And so with a resumed smile I deal with moving forward. And forward it has to be as I and the kids don't have a choice. Do we? <br />
Its been a year and in that year we have taken steps and I no longer get angry or upset about the small things. Life doesn't worry me as it use to. I've seen the worst it can be and now I look at things totally different. <br />
<br />
Feeling sorry for the person who beeps me because I'm not going fast enough on the motorway. (Not for much longer with my new car!) What must be going on in their life that they are so angry with me, someone they don't even know. Or the person who is impatient in the supermarket queue. What can be so awful that makes them so stressed.<br />
<br />
With Vixs birthday coming, her 2nd one since she lost her wonderful Dad I think instead that if she can still smile and not hate life then we all can.Sallyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03647374044700700846noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2936338434655368853.post-26562899764961922662011-11-10T23:53:00.000+00:002011-11-10T23:53:41.358+00:00Oh...............Crap.............<br />
<br />
<br />
Why?<br />
<br />
Why?<br />
<br />
Come on someone tell me, make sense of this shit....................<br />
<br />
Why aren’t you here<br />
<br />
Why<br />
<br />
I miss you, we all miss you. We weren’t destined to be sat in the Sun pub tonight taking part in a bloody pub quiz! <br />
But we were! And like your fight against cancer we didn’t win! We came a crap 3rd but bloody hell the sprit was there. Wrightys Warriors were fighting or simply battling against the ridicoiulus questions and other teams but for you. And yes of course Fraser knew the Scottish questions and Adam and Helen the animal questions but we were never going to win because quite frankly we shouldn’t have been there. We should have been at our homes, with our loved ones but instead we were remembering the worst bloody day!<br />
And you brought a smile to our face as we tried to look for the answers! Shame Megs Blackberry wasn’t quick enough! And we don’t know each other because of our passion for mastermind! Oh and I need to add not one bloody sport question! Because if there had of been we would have romped home!<br />
Coming home it still takes my breath away that you are not here! I miss you so very much. I shouted<br />
to anyone who would listen tonight. I miss you I miss you!!!!!<br />
<br />
x x x xx xSallyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03647374044700700846noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2936338434655368853.post-41094007344669069102011-11-09T00:58:00.000+00:002011-11-10T01:19:36.018+00:00You’re a live – live itBreath, move and your still here, so if that’s the case then why stop now!<br />
<br />
Look I’ve told you I’m not good on the 9th and lets be honest their never is going to be a worse 9th then the 9th November 2011! That truly is the last day that I slept next to you. Kissed you goodnight for the very, very last time!<br />
<br />
And now well I found, myself in London with the choice of going back home alone or going for tequila or two!<br />
<br />
Well having found myself in the oddest of bars drinking and singing to the most ridiculous karaoke it almost seemed right!!<br />
<br />
Until I left. And I met Stephen, Steve the guy who is 41 years of age who lives under the cover of the arches. He was asking for a £1. A £1 what is that going to do with his life! I asked him his name and as soon as he said my name is Stephen, then quite frankly it was game over!! How could I leave him without everything that was in my purse.<br />
<br />
My message to him was simple! Do something different with your life tomorrow. Tomorrow is the 10th November and you need to do something different! Tomorrow Steve would have been dead 1 year and you will still be alive! Tomorrow Stephen, my Steve will have been dead for a year! He won’t see his daughter turn 12 he won’t see Meg turn 15, he won’t be here with me celebrating Xmas.! None of it!!<br />
<br />
Instead Stephen do something different with your life. Take the money I’ve jus given you! Which I know is more than I should be giving you but take that money and do something different with your life! Do it! <br />
What ever it is, for my Stephens sake please do something with your life because he isn’t here anymore. <br />
I’m not preaching at you! Just do something which symbolises that you’re alive!<br />
And as I write this I find myself more train buddies, People who have been out on a Wednesday night who see this mad woman writing frantically typing on her lap top! Who make the massive mistake of asking me what I’m writing about and in that moment I discover the lady next to me is struggling to cope with her dad being diagnosed with Kidney Caner and the man opposite me trying to think of how he is going to support his best friend whose Dad has just died today of Cancer and then I realise it is all around.<br />
<br />
So to my Steve I love you now and forever and to the Stephen who has my £30 under the arches have a bloody good day/night!!!!Sallyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03647374044700700846noreply@blogger.com0