The Longest Day…….

Today seems to have gone on forever! And its only 8pm. 8pm use to be the time when Steve and I would sit down for dinner, after we had both come home from work. A time when the house would be quiet apart from the two of us. Unless it was a Tuesday or a weekend when we had the girls.

That time in our lives seems so long ago. Its hard to think about it without feeling upset. We both lived such busy lives, with our jobs and the evenings were our time to catch up on the days events! Which I must admit I took up the most amount of time “wittering” on about my work and the characters that filled up my day.

I look forward to having that time again, now our days are spent with Steve battling through, waiting and wanting his next pain killer, to reduce his temperature and trying to persuade the nurses to give him something for the itchiness. And me watching, listening and incessantly writing down all his side effects and medication.
We have always been a couple and a family who try to look on the lighter side of life, not taking anything to seriously. I believe it is this attitude that has helped us this far but to be honest this is really beginning to push the boundaries!

I feel like I want this to all go away, almost as though it was a bad dream! I don’t want to be on e mail lists about Kidney Cancer. I don’t want to understand about NHS funding and the ridiculousness of the NHS system (more of that another time!) I don’t want to see Steve suffer and know that I cant do anything to take away his pain.

I want things just as they were before. I want to be travelling with work, meeting colleagues, working on new marketing campaigns. I want Steve to be thinking about new deals and talking me through the projects in the pipeline and pointing out buildings ML have worked on. And most of all I want things to look forward to as a family!
Well the above all sounds rather selfish and Im sorry for my rant but I suppose after the day Steve has had and what Ive had to witness in the person I love the most go through I am allowed!

So back to today!

Steve had his 3rd dose after a reasonable night sleep. In fact one of the better nights he has had since he has been in here. The 3rd dose was given at 10am with the proviso that his blood pressure was kept up. If his body coped with that and the blood pressure remained high and the temperature down, then there was a possibility that he would have the 4th at 6pm.
Well unfortunately no one told Steves body these rules! His blood pressure dropped and dropped and he is now on a dose of 18 mils an hour of the Noradrenalin, to keep it above 100. The shakes came and didn’t go! They lasted on and off for 5 hours! To give you an idea, they normally last 20 mins max! His temperature hit 40 and stayed between 38-40 for 9 hours! 9 hours!
Steve didn’t have the 4th dose, to be honest that was the last thing on Steves or the nursing staffs mind, they are more concerned with his blood pressure and getting him to feel better.

Tom checked in on Steve and said he isn’t sure if he will be able to carry on, as his body is having such extreme reactions to the doses. Tom will come back in the morning and assess again, whether this is it for this week, or whether they will try one more.

Steve is feeling low. Im doing my best to keep his spirits up but its so hard. What do you say, what do you do? Suppose you just you be there for someone in what ever form they need you in.