Exhausted

After days of feeling more and more exhausted and no sign of Steve’s appetite returning Jane (Macmillan Nurse) suggested it maybe a good idea for Steve to come into the hospice. I thought Steve would fight this suggestion. However Steve’s anxieties have turned to his own health.
He is frightened.
And the suggestion of going to the hospice was welcomed by Steve.
It is a safe place, a place where the staff can help him and make him comfortable and relaxed. I really didn’t expect Steve to feel like this, it shows you how as you progress through the disease your attitudes change. Steve has always resisted hospitals, doctors and in fact anyone and everything in the medical world. But now he wanted it.


Steve went into the hospice on Wednesday afternoon. Woking hospice like all hospices in the UK is completely reliant on donations. It is a smallish building with 10 ensuite rooms. Their is a high ratio of staff to patients and their primary purpose is to make the patients and families feel comfortable and cared for.

Steve relaxed alot when we arrived and today he slept most of the day.

He has become weaker and getting out of bed and moving himself around is so terribly hard. And this isnt helped by the fact he has neither appetite nor energy to eat.

He still continues to force himself to eat.
He makes himself eat food, as he knows that without food he won’t be here. He keeps asking what they can do to bring his appetite back. The straightforward answer is not alot. However they aren’t giving up. They are looking at many things and one is whether he may have an infection and as a precaution they have given him some antibiotics.

Eating is such a strange thing, when you think about it....

We eat because we are hungry or a craving or simply to be sociable but what does it feel like when your mind and body simply doesn’t want food anymore. Steve is still strong in mind. He knows the importance but knowing this doesn’t and can’t make you hungry.

When someone is like this, it doesn’t matter if you present them with a plate full of their favourite food, in Steves case think that would be a mixture of fig rolls, apple and blackberry pies, cheese straws and not forgetting Vimto Bon Bons! And yes we have plently of these goodies!!
However if you simply don’t have any appetite then every meal is a battle. But a battle that Steve is still willing to take on! And today he did that well. He ate scrambled eggs on toast, jaffa cakes, jelly and ice cream and a couple of Victorias chocolates!

I can stay at the hospice but I haven’t done yet. Steve is comfortable and wants me to rest. It feels so sad coming home without him, all our wedding cards still up and the house still looks and smells like a florist! I know that the hospice is a good place for Steve to be but I miss him. I miss being able to give him a kiss at night before I go to sleep I did however manage quite a few cuddles with him today between the visitors.

Steve even though spends most of the time; with his eyes shut he is listening!! Making the odd comment and asking questions of everyone who comes to visit.

Well I’m off to try and get to sleep now. I will update in the next few days.

Love and Best Wishes

Sally x