Sunday, 24 April 2011

Wish You Were Here

We had a wonderful holiday, lots of fun, laughter and amazing sunny weather. It was lovely to spend time with Megan, it feels ages since I laughed with her! We went and did what girls did best and did lots of shopping!!!!
Coming home was tough. Coming home from a 2 week holiday is always hard but for me all I wanted to do was share all my stories with Steve. And coming through the door here, was like coming back from the hospice the first time. Almost as though I had forgotten he wasn't going to be there.
Steve had such a way about him, that when ever I came home, even from a day at work, he always made such fuss. He would always stop what ever he was doing and come and find me and give me a huge hug. So to come home, with so many stories and find he wasn't here, hurt. It hurt like the first morning I woke up here after he died, knowing he wasnt going to tell me he missed, knowing he wasnt going to be giving me a big hug.
The sad feelings I had frightened me. I knew and had prepared myself that I would be sad on holiday but I just hadnt thought about how I would feel back in our beautiful home. I suppose its normal but I really felt like I was on a good path before I went away and was able to keep myself busy and deal with my emotions and the weekend I came back I was just so sad. I have such a strong pull to our house. I feel closest to Steve when Im here. I can look at all of the things we created together. Our house was a 2 year project. We remodelled the whole house and added a 2 storey extension off the side. There isnt a room that is the same. We finally moved in, after 2 years of hard work, to live here for 1 month before Steve was diagnosed with cancer! How can that be! How is that possible. Steve and I never got to live in this house and just enjoy it, for what it is. Instead Steve was battling cancer and I was doing my best to support him. But even though this was the case, Steve still carried on regardless. How does someone do that? How is it possible when you are fighting such a terrible disease that you have the strength to cope with the every day things. I have been thinking lately about whether I told Steve enough how well he was doing. I suppose I was always looking out for bad things, so I could get him the right medication that I didn't stop to praise him.
Looking back it amazes me his strength. His strength to carry on with the every day things. Which is why Im trying to be that too.
I have been busy this week with work and charity meetings. I met with Woking Hospice and James Whale Kidney Fund both meetings about charity balls. Ive been involved in both of them and it feels a positive thing to be doing.

The Kidney Cancer Ball with be in London on the 24th September. Here is a link
It promises to be a good night and it goes without saying an amazing cause.
Each table holds 10 people and Im trying to organise for as many people to attend as possible.
If you would like to come and dont want to book a table, then let me know as I can sort out numbers etc.

Ive been asked to speak at both of them, to share with the people in the room Steves story. It will be tough and havent started writing anything yet but I will do and Im determined to do Steve proud. Maybe I will take some extracts from here.

Happy Easter x

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