The clock struck midnight and I was so glad to be in my home with amazing friends. I had such strong feelings about New Years Eve. I didnt want it to come. I didnt want it to be midnight. I didnt feel like celebrating and welcoming in a new year. I wanted to go backwards not forwards. 2011 is a year which Steve never saw, at least when we were in 2010 I had shared that with Steve.
But with great friends and the girls we were at least able to be together and no one had expectations for a wild party. We did manage to have fun though and the dance game on the Wii provided a great distraction!!! As did the vast amount of wine!!!!
We let off 3 Chinese lanterns (1 for each girls and 1 for me) at just after midnight, these were given to Steve and I at our wedding, so it meant alot to me to let them go and watch them climb high into the nights sky. A way of having a pause for thought. Looking up to the sky, watching and thinking about them on their journey.
Well Im back to work tomorrow and in fact off to Brussels for a 3 day conference, where I have the honour of speaking to a packed conference room on the Marketing strategy for 2011. It will be tough going away. I havent been away for a long time, as I stopped travelling in October when Steve started to take a turn for the worse. So being away from home will be another hurdle. And like all of the hurdles, the first will be the worse. I always called or text Steve when I arrived, often he would laugh when I did so! As I felt the need to tell him I arrived! His response was "Good!" Speak to you soon!" He was never one for the telephone! not text or talking! But we talked everyday. He would always want to know how things went and he had a brilliant memory for names! Would always know who the people were that I was talking about.
Also being January and going back to work also signifies life going on. I have up until a few days ago been getting 2 cups out every morning, to make Steve and I a cup of coffee but in the last few days have been only getting one out. Ironically getting only one cup out has made me much sadder then getting 2 out! 1 means Im getting use to it. It means that Im getting on with things and making a new way of doing somethings! And I don't want that. I loved how our lives were and dont want things to change! And I know as time goes on these things will go on and its natural that as time goes on these things will happen! As I am after all only talking about putting one cup on the side! Then I think I need to be a bit kinder to myself. Reading this back, people will think Ive redecorated the house or something!!! No nothing of the sort! Just trying to get use to being on my own and and it is after all such early days.
keep that 2nd cup handy - some of us would love to stop in for a cuppa, if/when we get to your corner of the world. keep taking baby steps, and laugh & talk about Steve with the girls as much as you can. my dad got cancer when i was 11, died when i was 13, and was basically never mentioned after that, as it was 'too upsetting' to my mother - it was like he'd never lived. your girls deserve much better than that, as does Steve. best wishes for good days in 2011 for you and your family.
ReplyDeleteGreat blog - I hope it helps you on your difficult journey.
ReplyDeleteI know exactly what you mean about the New Year. My brother died in 2009 and I hated the idea of leaving him behind in the year. Odd, isn't it?
Hi Sally hope you are doing OK and just to let you know we are thinking of you and send our love Ian Jullie Harvey Heidi
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