Lavender.....

"Up and Down like Tower Bridge!"

This is the phrase that my beloved Grandad Sid used, when ever I asked him how he was. And I find myself using this very phrase whenever anyone asks me how I am.

I read today an article written in the Guardian, which describes exactly where I am. It was written by Claire Melhado as she describes herself after loosing her husband.

WHAT I'M REALLY THINKING

Please don't look the other way when you see me in the supermarket and you're pushing you trolley laden for two. Don't be embarrassed if you ask me how I am I'll say I'm fine, a bit up and down, good days, bad days and I wont mention the sleepless nights, the anger and the loneliness.
I wont tell you I'm jealous that you've got someone to go home to and chat with about your day, to read bits of the newspaper and share the jokes. Just don't tell me I should take a holiday or keep myself busy or that Ill get over it.
Please mention his name and share your memories of him. Please don't say if there's anything you can do just ask. I wont ask because I cant find the words and I don't want to be a burden. Just come round and help me mow the lawn or fix that broken curtain rail. Please feel free to ring me and ask me if I'd like to go out somewhere - to the pub, for a coffee or a meal. I promise I wont mention the days when I sit in the chair and stare into space. I wont flirt with your husband and if I laugh don't think its inappropriate or I don't care. I have to go back to the empty house where the dust gathers and the dishes stack up, to the reality of a life on my own, so allow me a brief respite.
Please just treat me as you used to but just remember I'm fragile. My life has changed but I'm still the same person. I'm just a bit rudderless and Ive lost my anchor. I don't want to loose you too.

The words of this article sum up better than I can, the way I feel. Whilst I plod through this new path I find myself presented with new challenges. Challenges that previously I would have taken on and squared up to! I now find myself frightened!  Not by the situation but more by how I will react.
This week I dealt with my car braking down, whilst in every day life this would be an inconvenience but would be dealt with I found myself in a very sad place. The first thing I went to do was pick up my phone to call Steve. But Steve wasn't there. He wasn't there then and he isn't going to be there in the future. I froze not knowing what to do! I'm a smart woman, or so I like to think! But my rock, my person wasn't there to help! Of course I can work this out. Of course I can call the AA but the point is, that in the past I didn't need to. That was Steve's job. We had roles, as traditional as it sounds we did. Blue = Boy, Pink = Girl......
So on Sunday I found myself having to do blue jobs!! Taking the Xmas tree down, chopping the Xmas tree up, taking the rubbish to the dump, cleaning the car!
Now don't get me wrong of course I miss Steve for more than the blue jobs! But the blue jobs remind me, no hit me in the face that Steve is not here anymore.

But I did it. Little steps, big hurdles but I did it but not alone, with friends and family by my side. Helping me and the kids through this journey, as we go we discover new ways of doing things, no longer are the jobs blue or pink but instead we have a middle ground  the new way of being, when being thrown into a world of being on your own. Its a mixture of blue and pink. Lavender.