Downton Abbey

Damn you Downton Abbey!!!
I loved you, so did Steve. It was the one thing we just wouldn't miss and our mums loved it too!
Now I cant face to see the TV adverts, as they remind me of yours and mine Mum sat in the family room in the hospice watching it.

They shouldn't have been watching it there, your mum should have been in Spain and mine at home in Kent but instead they were in Woking hospice, sat on the big comfy arm chairs having just spent the day seeing you. Then going upstairs to sleep in the family rooms. Waiting for the dreaded knock on the door in the night, waiting and holding there breath willing and wishing you to be pain free and to make it through the night.

I suppose with my birthday and our wedding anniversary  coming up and the anniversary of your death fast approaching then the feelings are flooding back.
I have the last birthday card you ever gave me next to my bed. "I love you Sally, your my rock" I miss you Steve you were my rock!

The 3 weeks you spent in the hospice felt like the longest 3 weeks of my life at the time and now I look back and I want that time back. I want every second back. I miss you, we all miss you.

It's the James Whale Kidney Cancer Ball next week and I'm speaking after dinner in your memory. Its been the hardest thing I've ever had to write. Harder then your funeral eulogy. I don't know why as I know what ever I say people will smile and say well done. Its not about that, its about the fact that I want to make you proud. I want people to realise that you were an amazing guy and that Kidney Cancer stole you from all of our lives and that it can happen to anyone. And I don't want anyone to go through the pain you did and the pain that me and the kids go through without you. It will also be painful as that was the last night we went out to last years dinner at the House of Lords and I will always remember you didn't really want to go but you knew I did and as ill as you were, you did it for me. Dressed so handsome in your dinner jacket and off we went to London. Looking back I cant believe that was the last time we went out together. How ironic and mostly how bloddy unfair!!!

Victoria started school last week. And you would have been there. Having a picture taken with her on her first day, like the one you had done on her first day of primary school. She is doing okay though, she is so strong, just like her Dad. And Megs well she misses you like crazy!
Our house is still quiet without you and time is not bloody helping! Oh and we have guests staying!!! Sammy the spider has moved in, with his younger brothers and his dad. Oh and not forgetting his distant cousin Morris the mouse! He is living in our or I should say your sweet cupboard as it will always be your sweet cupboard! Needless to say I am still a big wimp!! And so lucky for us we have Tulin who is still being the most amazing friend to all of us and is not afraid of the spiders or mouse!!! Not that she will be catching it and then putting dead by the front door as you did, just to see me scream and jump up in the air!!!

Well I will I'm sure do you proud next week and all of your friends are going to be there along with family and work colleagues and I will post on the here the  amount we raise. And of course my tribute to you.

And as for Downton Abbey I've recorded it and I'm sure in the future I will be able to watch but not now.