Good News But....................

Well I had good news today but I feel so sad. Not just sad but very low.
I know why.
I know it is because Steve isnt here to share it with. He would be so happy, so very proud of me. And he isnt here to tell and I cant think of single person in the world that I want to share the news with.
Thats a very frightening thought. I want to celebrate with him. I want to talk for hours and hours about it with him.
I know what we would be doing tonight! We would be going out. Going out for a curry and a celebratory glass of wine but instead Im home in our beautiful home alone.
There are so many people I could call, so many people who I could ask to  come over. Or I know I could drop into see so many people but I dont want to.
No one can replace you Steve.
I am trying to fight it but in fighting it, it makes it feel so much more real. How strange that such good news can make you feel so sad, so alone.
And in a strange way I dont want to talk to anyone. Just be alone with my thoughts and my glass of wine.
I even opened a really nice bottle of wine. Went to the wine rack that Steve and I built up with really special wine and thought sod it! I deserve a really good glass of wine! So I did! And I toasted Steve. Not just Steve but both of us. He would be so proud of me. He knew I wanted this for a very long time and it is suddenly becoming real and he isnt here to advise me or share in it!
By the wine rack is a box of champagne that Steve bought me when we went on a fantastic trip to the Champagne Region. I remember the weekend, it felt like at the time that I was living the dream! And that I was! Off we went for the weekend to France in Steves 911 Porsche and we drove around stopping at small Champagne vine yards, meeting the owners and sampling the champagne.
When we got home Steve gave me this wooden box and inside were 2 bottles of champagne but most importantly he wrote on the inside of the box " To my darling Sally. Thank you for a great trip! all my love Steve x x x May 08"
How thoughtful! He was known by his friends for being such a mans, man but to me he was so kind, so thoughtful and so very romantic! God how Im thankful for that! As sat here now feeling like my heart is breaking I can look at this gift and I couldnt give a damn whether it was champagne or ribena inside but its the words, the words that he took the trouble to write, to surprise me! He loved to do things that made me smile. And I miss him and the way he made me smile.
And he did this years before he was ill, so not knowing I would forever have this to look at and remember him by.

And I know I need to be strong and I brush it off and most days I do but Im so dreading my birthday. I dont want to celebrate without Steve. I just want the day to pass as quickly as possible but I know I then have our wedding aniversary to deal with 4 days later! And that day Im truly dreading. Our wedding day was so lovely but so very painful. Steve was so ill but so determined that we would have our day. Or in fact I know it was more about giving me the day. He wasnt well, he felt so poorly both physically and mentally but was so strong. He wanted to get married. I remember saying to him. We dont need to do this, we dont need to get married but he just said " Ishould have done this along time ago!"
I remember looking at him, thinking I love you so much and I know we wont have along time together but I know forever Ive finally met Mr (W)right.......
Even through everything he still smiled for the wedding photos and I treasure these. And as the day gets closer I just cant bear to think of being in our house. We were married at a local registrar office but went back to our house afterwards and celebrated. So being here on our wedding aniversary will just be painful,
So tonight I just have to accept that I will be sad and the next few weeks will be tough but I have my glass of wine and my SS (Sad Songs) CD which I havent played for a long time.
I love you Steve x x x x x x x