Friday 24 May 2013

Loved and Lost but .........

When you have had love and lost it through no fault of yours or your loved ones its so hard.
Nothing either of you did or could have done can stop cancer.
When cancer has its hold it wont let go. No matter how strong you both are. No matter how much you love each other, cancer doesnt care.
So with this in my mind I am running 5k in aid of cancer research on Sunday. With a simple white piece of paper taped to my back and front with Steves name on it. I could write so many things on it but instead I simply will have his name on it. I know what this means and I dont need to say more.
The minutes and days have turned into weeks, months and years since I saw his smiling face. His voice and touch encouraging me on with every day life. But now I feel it through the air. I can feel him and sense him. I still look to him for guidance. He looked at life as an adventure, one to grab with both hands and live.
Which over the last few months Ive been doing. Ive suddenly found myself. A place where I accept that I cant change the past but I can certainly change the future.
I had the most amazing time away in Thailand. A friend told me to make sure I experience everything and never being one to not take advise I certainly did that! And with bells on!
And you know. I feel different. It was the first time in years where I didnt feel the burden of being a widow but instead found myself. Happy with life, not caring for material things but instead laughing and relaxing with great people.
I feel great. I feel full of energy and like anything is possible. Like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I want to be happy and now for the first time feel like its actually possible. Happiness with another person shouldnt be something I feel guilty about but instead I should shout about it. I am a live. I cant change the past but I can change the future.
So its with Steves blessing that I now move forward to the next chapter of my life....

Saturday 2 March 2013


Ive had a great week. A week in the US with brilliant work colleagues. People who make you feel like family. Like you belong to something great. And as sad as it sounds it has made me feel alive. That feeling that you can make something happen, with the right people and the right attitude anything is possible.
Coming home was strange.
Strange as I was looking forward to being back where my life is but back to a life where Steve still isnt here.
Im not sure about Monday.....
Im not sure how I will be. I know its a day of rememberence. A day when we can celebrate that Steve was born but I dont want to. Not that I dont want to remember. I remember constantly. I always have Steve at the forefront of everything but the bottom line is I dont want to be sad. Its an awful feeling planning for a day of sadness. Thinking what do I have in my work diary.... Do I take the day off as I might be sad. Do I tell people at work that I might not be good on that day..... No I dont want that. I want Monday to be a day where things just happen. And feelings are good rather than bad.
Can you imagine planning for a sad day....
Surely thats just a widow thing. Another post widow trait of mine. Never in my life have I planned for possibly / maybe being sad day.

But who knows maybe I should have booked the day off as I have lots of work meetings. Maybe the team will wish I had. But I do so very hope not.
Steve would have been 44 on Monday. How is that possible when we only got to celebrate with him until he was 41. And we did celebrate. An evening in TGI Fridays where the girls made him wear silly balloon hats! Hmmm that really wasnt Steve but he went along with it for the girls sake! Who knew then. Who knew that would be the last birthday we could celebrate with him.
6 months later we would be at his funeral.
And his 40th was the big one. I didnt know at the time that there would be no more special birthdays and in a strange way Im glad. Glad I didnt know this would be my one and only chance to show him that he meant the world to me. A 40th birthday which lasted a week. A week of surprises! Starting with his parents coming over from Spain through to his close friends and wives surprising him at the restaurant where we met and the Rolex. The Rolex he had admired for his adult life. Which I now wear. I was so happy I could organise all of the above. His face when he saw his parents, saw his friends sat in the restaurant and the look of absolute shock of the Rolex.

Im glad I have those memories as those are what I want to remember on Monday. Not the day, the day when I said goodbye. But the day of memories when we all surprised him, made him realise how much he was loved by so many.

Sunday 17 February 2013

2nd Dates

Well the clock is ticking and your birthday is nearly here. When ever I look at my calendar I always end up on the 4th March.....
Is it because your reminding me your still part of my life. Is it a sense of guilt on my part that Im moving forward?
Im liking my life at the moment, busy with things that are now becoming normal.
Normal post widowhood.
Its hard at times to remember me as pre being a widow. Pre meeting you, seems forever ago! As much as we werent together for a huge amount of time, you played a huge part of my life even before you got ill.
You taught me it was possible to meet someone who loved me for me. Loved me no matter what I said or did and for that I will always be grateful but the part when you got ill has changed me forever.
Seeing you ill, seeing you deal with the fact you were dying and seeing how you coped with that and still had time to love and be interested in everyone has changed me forever.
Being the one who had to be strong so many times when I wanted to give up has effected me. Its only now when Im having to cope with the day to day tough times do I think back to what it was like to have to keep going. To still carry on with every day things when the love of your life is dying has made me a different person.
So the post widow Sally is not the person she was before.
I have less days of feeling lost without you but it does still come back and hit me between he eyes when I'm least expecting it!
Im not sure I like what being a widow has made me into. Yes I like my new way of being, the person who has to only think about herself and her kids as opposed to where you are in your cancer cycle but it has made me colder.
Less trusting, less believing. I use to believe anything was possible that I could own my own destiny and a sense of self belief that anything was possible if you worked hard enough at it.
Well thats changed because quite simply Ive seen first hand that is not true. In fact more than that, its B** Sh**!
So with the next chapter being here right and now and trying to move on, meeting new people Ive been described as cold!
COLD your having a laugh I want to scream!
You have no idea how un cold I am. Do you know what Ive been through, do you know I lost the love of my life.
Have you ever had to choose a coffin! Have you had to write the words for a headstone!
Hmmm but as you guessed it Ive kept those comments to myself and moved on. Not sure any of the words above would help me move onto a 2nd date!
But maybe they are right.
In reflection am I going out trying to meet you again. and when I arrive on the date and they are not you, maybe I am cold.
As at the end of the day I dont want to be here.
Ive been here got the t-shirt. I found the man I wanted to be with forever.....
But I know Im not built to be on my own. I want to share my life with someone. Even at the grand old age of 36 Im not ready to settle for a life alone.
So maybe I will have to take a deep breath and open up a bit more.
I suppose its about a balance. I want to believe thats its possible to be happy again with someone else. I want to be carefree and not concern myself with the feeling that its going to all end but thats easier said than done. Life has shown me that Ive lost you and even with all of the fight we both had we couldnt stop that.
So maybe I will have to accept that who ever I meet will have to know all about the love of my life and hope he can deal with that, as your always going to be part of me....... Wow he is going to have to be one special man! Putting up with me and you as a package!!

Happy Birthday darling x x x I miss you now and forever and will always love you x

Thursday 20 December 2012

I am.......

I am…..

Moving forward
Dealing with it
Dealing with it
Dealing with it

Don’t you know that I am doing this. Life is for the living. And that’s what Im doing but why oh why do you keep cropping up. I know your not here. I know your happy for me, so why is that as Im trying to move forward that I still talk and refer everything back to you.
I suppose because you not only were a massive part of my life. The person that made me realise that it was possible to find a soul mate and someone I could “fancy the pants off” and find intellectually challenging and emotionally supporting (well sometimes!)
But that it was a surprise that I could be happy with my life, with a person who I trusted with everything!
So trying to move forward keeps bringing me back.
Making me question whether its actually possible or whether Im ready!
Lets be honest as great as you were, what new man wants to hear about your amazing ability to do everything better and more positive than anyone else in the world.
And that’s  before I start talking about my new found medical excellence and the fact Im Professor Hewitty!!!
Oh but I so want to. And I know you would want me to as well.
This xmas will be the 3rd one with out you. The 3rd time Ive got to sit with the family who love me very much and you. With us knowing your missing. Wishing you were there, with your great smile and silly jokes.
But your not and you wont be here again. No matter what we think and wish, your not coming back.
So how does this new life look like?
How does it feel?

To be the single girl, or more to the point the single women or in fact I should say the widow.
Oh my! How does that look. How do you behave when you have more baggage than most lost property central London stations.
Well god knows but Im going to do this, as Ive done the rest of my life!
Yep with blind determination, not seeing nor wanting to know how stupid this is but with the hopeful desire of anything is possible if you try hard enough!

How do you meet new men and not witter on! How do I not tell them in the first 30 seconds that Ive lost the love my life! And all of the intricate details of Kidney Cancer.

Well Im not sure but as Ive said above Im going to give it a damn good go!
And who knows, maybe there is a man out there who can put up with a woman who knows she met the love of her life but is hopeful that these things are like buses and you can feel this more than once.
And make them understand that I want to be with someone else. I want to be part of a new couple, knowing that I will be someone else girlfriend and I want to be taken care of. After 2 years of Steve not being here and 18 months of taking care of him. Im not sure what being taken care of looks or feels like.
The partnership which sees you take care of each other, love each other, cuddle each other and in fact just being a plural rather than the single that Ive been.

I know this is hard for others to deal with. I know everyone has there own grief to deal with but please wish me luck as I don’t want to be in this place but as Ive said on multiple posts before I cant change where I am, all I can do is make the best Ive where I am.
And Steve accepted this. He didn’t want to die but he knew that after he was gone that people would be left behind and he didn’t want me to be a sad lonely women who didn’t go out and spent her days as a recluse.
It is after all a life to be lived not one to waste, as life is too short.

Friday 9 November 2012

2 Years

Well I really thought that I was going to be okay this year. It is after all 2 years since Steve died. I thought Im going to be okay. I dont have trouble dealing with the 9th of the month anymore and Im stronger. Alot has happened in the last 2 years and Ive dealt with them all!
And after all it is only a date!

Hmmm somehow think I misjudged this one! I know as a Wright Im not often wrong but happy to admit this one.
Oh god it hurts. It hurts so much, it feels like the day he died. Feels like the moment I was left alone, to deal with things.
So many things have happened since Steve died, so many positive things, so many tough things but all have come and gone without me being able to share them with my best friend. The person who I shared the most difficult things with. I sat there through all of the doctors appointments. Discussing how Steve wanted his memorial service and all of those things we discussed together. But now I cant even talk to him about the most simple things.

I feel so sad.
Sad doesn't even quite cut it as it hurts.
Hurts, so much inside that I want to scream and run.
Run from this ridiculous feeling of hopelessness 
I can deal with things. I can work things through, so why after 2 years can I not deal with this. I know he isnt coming back. I know he would want me to be happy. I know the 9th and 10th are simply dates. I know all of these things but they dont take away from the fact that he wasnt supposed to not be here. He wasnt old, he wasnt meant to die. We had so much living to do. We had only just started. So many plans, so many fun things to do and probably many painful things to deal with but ultimately we were meant to do those things together. I suppose its called future.
We had a future planned and now all I have of us is a past.
A past which I wouldnt change for the world but I suppose Im being selfish. I dont just want a past. I dont want simply memories. I want to live. But I want to live with Steve. I want to make new things to laugh and cry about.
As silly as it sounds I would even settle with an argument right now. I want something. I want a reaction.

But I know all of my wishing and wanting wont make those things happen. So I will have to settle with memories and remember I am lucky to have those memories as without those good times, this journey would be a lot harder.

x x

Thursday 20 September 2012

New but scared

Great week and an even better weekend planned.

Not sure why but I have a renewed energy. I feel alive and am liking the world Im in but Im scared.
Scared that the dreaded months of Oct and Nov are just round the corner.
What an awful thing, to dread the months of your own birthday, not to mention the fact that its Megs, Victorias and my adorable nephew birthday Max.
So why.....
Well Im happy. Happy with the new life that Guildford has presented itself with and I feel free to live my life. Without feeling like Im doing some wrong. I know those feelings have been in my mind but here in my new little cottage moving forward, laughing and making plans and looking forward it all seems okay.

So with this energy and lust for life. Im scared. Sacred that the month of October which saw Steve and I get married and the month of November which saw him died are just round the corner. I know these are simply dates. Moments in time which dont take away from all the other things but I cant help but be nervous. I want to be okay. I want to treat them as they should be treated. Celebrating and remembering Steve and our lives together but I just not sure Im strong enough.

Well I suppose all I can do is do my best. And remember that Steve would have wanted me to be happy.


Sunday 16 September 2012

Wedding of the Year

Well as we all knew the bride and groom looked amazing. Not simply the amazing glamours, like they stepped out of a magazine cover! But what I didn't foresee was the love. The love of two people who had been through ups and downs together. The love of two people, who had two children. The love of people who knew what it was like to battle together already before they married through tough times. And there they stood. Looking at each other as though they were the only ones in the room.
The love was infectious. Couple who maybe hadn't had that love for many years, were re united by the love that Kelly and Fish shared. And     There was I ........
Knowing what that love felt like.
Knowing what commitment felt like but still being there alone. But not sad! No glad, knowing that love is possible. Knowing that a shared common goal means that two is better than one.
So seeing 2 people that truly loved each other confirmed to me that it is possible to live again. Who knows where this journey will take me but one thing I know is that Im grateful that my friends still included me.
It would have been easy to not include that "sad widow" on the invite but they didnt! Instead they went one step further and invited me and the girls, who both looked simply beautiful. Sat at a table with one person missing was hard but the laughs and the smiles pulled us through. Steve as always was in every ones thoughts and Im so glad I and the girls could be there to represent him.
So tomorrow is a new day and tomorrow brings a new Mr and Mrs. And well I will always be a Mrs, just without my Mr here in the physical sense but always in the spiritual one......