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Ive had a great week. A week in the US with brilliant work colleagues. People who make you feel like family. Like you belong to something great. And as sad as it sounds it has made me feel alive. That feeling that you can make something happen, with the right people and the right attitude anything is possible.
Coming home was strange.
Strange as I was looking forward to being back where my life is but back to a life where Steve still isnt here.
Im not sure about Monday.....
Im not sure how I will be. I know its a day of rememberence. A day when we can celebrate that Steve was born but I dont want to. Not that I dont want to remember. I remember constantly. I always have Steve at the forefront of everything but the bottom line is I dont want to be sad. Its an awful feeling planning for a day of sadness. Thinking what do I have in my work diary.... Do I take the day off as I might be sad. Do I tell people at work that I might not be good on that day..... No I dont want that. I want Monday to be a day where things just happen. And feelings are good rather than bad.
Can you imagine planning for a sad day....
Surely thats just a widow thing. Another post widow trait of mine. Never in my life have I planned for possibly / maybe being sad day.

But who knows maybe I should have booked the day off as I have lots of work meetings. Maybe the team will wish I had. But I do so very hope not.
Steve would have been 44 on Monday. How is that possible when we only got to celebrate with him until he was 41. And we did celebrate. An evening in TGI Fridays where the girls made him wear silly balloon hats! Hmmm that really wasnt Steve but he went along with it for the girls sake! Who knew then. Who knew that would be the last birthday we could celebrate with him.
6 months later we would be at his funeral.
And his 40th was the big one. I didnt know at the time that there would be no more special birthdays and in a strange way Im glad. Glad I didnt know this would be my one and only chance to show him that he meant the world to me. A 40th birthday which lasted a week. A week of surprises! Starting with his parents coming over from Spain through to his close friends and wives surprising him at the restaurant where we met and the Rolex. The Rolex he had admired for his adult life. Which I now wear. I was so happy I could organise all of the above. His face when he saw his parents, saw his friends sat in the restaurant and the look of absolute shock of the Rolex.

Im glad I have those memories as those are what I want to remember on Monday. Not the day, the day when I said goodbye. But the day of memories when we all surprised him, made him realise how much he was loved by so many.