Well the clock is ticking and your birthday is nearly here. When ever I look at my calendar I always end up on the 4th March.....
Why?
Is it because your reminding me your still part of my life. Is it a sense of guilt on my part that Im moving forward?
Im liking my life at the moment, busy with things that are now becoming normal.
Normal post widowhood.
Its hard at times to remember me as pre being a widow. Pre meeting you, seems forever ago! As much as we werent together for a huge amount of time, you played a huge part of my life even before you got ill.
You taught me it was possible to meet someone who loved me for me. Loved me no matter what I said or did and for that I will always be grateful but the part when you got ill has changed me forever.
Seeing you ill, seeing you deal with the fact you were dying and seeing how you coped with that and still had time to love and be interested in everyone has changed me forever.
Being the one who had to be strong so many times when I wanted to give up has effected me. Its only now when Im having to cope with the day to day tough times do I think back to what it was like to have to keep going. To still carry on with every day things when the love of your life is dying has made me a different person.
So the post widow Sally is not the person she was before.
I have less days of feeling lost without you but it does still come back and hit me between he eyes when I'm least expecting it!
Im not sure I like what being a widow has made me into. Yes I like my new way of being, the person who has to only think about herself and her kids as opposed to where you are in your cancer cycle but it has made me colder.
Less trusting, less believing. I use to believe anything was possible that I could own my own destiny and a sense of self belief that anything was possible if you worked hard enough at it.
Well thats changed because quite simply Ive seen first hand that is not true. In fact more than that, its B** Sh**!
So with the next chapter being here right and now and trying to move on, meeting new people Ive been described as cold!
COLD your having a laugh I want to scream!
You have no idea how un cold I am. Do you know what Ive been through, do you know I lost the love of my life.
Have you ever had to choose a coffin! Have you had to write the words for a headstone!
Hmmm but as you guessed it Ive kept those comments to myself and moved on. Not sure any of the words above would help me move onto a 2nd date!
But maybe they are right.
In reflection am I going out trying to meet you again. and when I arrive on the date and they are not you, maybe I am cold.
As at the end of the day I dont want to be here.
Ive been here got the t-shirt. I found the man I wanted to be with forever.....
But I know Im not built to be on my own. I want to share my life with someone. Even at the grand old age of 36 Im not ready to settle for a life alone.
So maybe I will have to take a deep breath and open up a bit more.
I suppose its about a balance. I want to believe thats its possible to be happy again with someone else. I want to be carefree and not concern myself with the feeling that its going to all end but thats easier said than done. Life has shown me that Ive lost you and even with all of the fight we both had we couldnt stop that.
So maybe I will have to accept that who ever I meet will have to know all about the love of my life and hope he can deal with that, as your always going to be part of me....... Wow he is going to have to be one special man! Putting up with me and you as a package!!
Happy Birthday darling x x x I miss you now and forever and will always love you x
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