Why?

Why is it I do something that makes me feel like crap?

But then I ask mysefl what is my crap compared to Steve's pain and suffering and those others who benefit from the hospice.

Today I spoke after lunch at a Ladies Fashion Show in aid of the Woking and Sam Bere Hospice.
It is my 4th time speaking at an event and it is getting harder each time. This confuses me as I thought it would get easier.

Here is the speach I gave today and even a photo :-)

To love gives you strength, to be loved gives you courage…….



The love that I had for Steve gave me the strength to fight for him and the love that I received from him meant I have had the courage to continue on since he lost his battle in 2010 against cancer.


Steve was 40 when he was diagnosed with cancer and within 18 months he lost his battle. A battle he nor I didn’t fight or live through alone. We had Woking Hospice by our side.


Within a matter of weeks of his terminal diagnosis we were introduced to Jane Howard a Community Palliative Care Nurse. Jane for those of you who don’t know her is quite simply an angel in disguise working for W Hospice. She didn’t simply act as a traditional nurse but she was my rock. She helped me to help Steve.
We like many people thought we knew what a hospice was, we immediately thought of this terribly sad place where quite frankly people go to spend their last days.
How wrong we were. The hospice is so much more than that.
Steve didn’t want “fuss!” He was after all a 40 year old man at the peak of his life and career. A man who was born to be in sales – they said “ he could have sold snow to Eskimos!”
Steve always lived his life to the full, he spent far too much time playing cricket, golf, football and in fact any competitive sport he could!
He was a mans, man always with a smile and took an intent interest in everything and everyone. But above all of this he was a family man. He loved his children Victoria and Megan who were quite simply his most proud achievements.
So as we came to the end of a 2 year building project of our forever home and Steve began to feel tired and lost weight nether him nor I imagined for one moment that he had cancer. Cancer is something you read about in the newspapers but doesn’t happen to your loved one? But in Steve’s case he had a 9cm cancerous tumour on his left kidney, which by the time of diagnosis had spread to his lungs.
Cancer or no Cancer Steve didn’t give up! He concentrated on living his life and letting me who he named Dr Hewitty to sort out “the medical side of things!” He didn’t want to see nurses or doctors! All he wanted to do was go about things as he always had done.
I always remember that first meeting. And to be honest Steve was not looking forward to the meeting and as he described it “I don’t want any bothers coming to see and talk to me about what I can and cant do now that I have cancer!” How wrong he was! Jane quickly made it clear that she was there to support Steve in any way he needed help and certainly not to interfere or stop him living his life! And having grown up with 3 brothers and married to a fire man she knew that fussing was not what Steve wanted!


When you have a terminal illness life has to be about quality and that is what Woking Hospice is all about. Ensuring that everyone from the patient, to immediate family and friends are treated and cared for as individuals. And most importantly able to be the person you want to be without pain.
As Steve illness progressed! Jane played more of a role. Often in the background and mostly directly with me and our GP, the hospice found a way to support Steve without him feeling like a patient. And a way that he felt in control of his life.


Jane and the Hospice team got use to Steve, knowing him well enough to know he wasn’t going to be stopped from playing golf, cricket or cheering Megan and Victoria on at sporting events. They knew Steve was going to challenge them and challenge them he did! Well after all he was Mr Wright!

Sadly 1 week after Steve and I were married in October 2010, things took a turn for the worse for Steve he no longer had any appetite and he was having trouble walking. By this time the cancer had spread. It was at this time that Jane suggested that Steve should come into the hospice for some round the clock support.


This was to be Steve’s home for the last 3 weeks of his life. But it wasn’t just Steve’s home; it became the centre of everything. I moved into the hospice with Steve, the staff set up an attachment to his bed so that we could have a double bed; they even went so far as to put chocolates on the pillow and call it the honeymoon suite! Steve parents moved in upstairs in the dedicated family unit, where they had their own room, bathroom and kitchen. The day room in the hospice turned into the social gathering, with Steve holding court as he always did! Victoria Steve’s daughter aged 10 commented on the fact that they even had a kids room!


Nothing fazed the hospice team! I remember one of the first evenings secretly our friends bought in a bottle of wine for me, hidden beneath a coat! But we didn’t have a corkscrew! A nurse walked past and saw and said no problem I think we have one in the kitchen! So after that the wine arrived on a nightly basis and was kept in the ice machine!


Pizzas were delivered, curry was brought in, no visiting times, no strict rules of who can and cant come! Everyone and everything is welcome.
This time was tough for us all but Steve felt safe, he wanted to be there. It allowed me to spend real quality time with Steve. I could stop being Steve’s carer and instead be Steve’s wife.
On the 10th November Steve passed away peacefully, out of pain and with his family by his side. The hospice allowed all of this to be possible. Steve’s wishes were honoured right to the end.
I continue to have support from the hospice through their bereavement support and in turn I and Steve’s friends have organised several charity events for them. Last week we ran a golf day where we raised £2000 and have cricket and football matches planned for the summer. Even the kids get involved and have run in the Santa Fun run for the last 2 years dressed in Reindeer and Snowman Suits!
As difficult as it is for me to do these type of events Im always brought back to the same thought. Without the hospice life would have been a million times harder for Steve and I and knowing this and knowing that every penny makes a real difference drives me on to continue to make as many people as I can aware of how amazing the hospice is.
Finally Im going to leave you with a James Dean quote that Steve lived his life by.
“Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die today,”

As I said in my speach Im driven to do these things because I know they make a difference but they are also now making a difference to my life but not in a good way. Since leaving the lunch Ive barely been able to function. I just want to go to bed and wake up with a new day. I suppose its about being taken back to a place which was so painful. Painful memories of Steve not the happy ones which I try to surround myself with on a daily basis. What I dont say during my speach is the heartache of seeing your loved one fighting for his breath and having to help him get dressed as he became so weak putting on his shoes and socks was too much.  But those are the thoughts Im left with after a speach. Those are the momories that come flooding back to me. Seeing a young handsome man who had so much to live for, dieing in front of your eyes is an awful memory.
So days like today whilst I know they help to make a difference I think are numbered for me. Its almost like my strength has been beaten and its time to hang up my speach making day but maybe I will feel different in the morning. For now Im off for a large glass of wine looking forward to tomorrow arriving.
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