Twists and Turns

Forward isn’t a choice in life. It’s just a must......

Where else do you look when you have lost everything that is normal to you?

It makes you question normal.

Normal is laughing at the same things, making fun at the same things. And when you don’t have these shared things how can anything be right......

Well you do what you have to do but when you don’t have a waist of a 20 year old or a mindset then how do you do it…..Well not in the way that anyone think is normal.

What is it that life has to offer someone who knew what she wanted? Not only for herself but for her daughter as well. How do you move forward with that?

Not a question I’ve asked on this blog before…..

But how do you move forward without people thinking you didn’t love your husband with every being that you have. Or with people thinking you have forgotten.

I can’t and won’t have forgotten Steve, nor would I ever have anyone think I didn’t love him because I did. If I could have changed his path in life I would have done. Sat at my kitchen table, no our kitchen table I would do anything to change the past. I wish this blog doesn’t exist. Wish instead we were dancing round our kitchen as we often did – because we could! But I can’t…….

Why is when people are faced with divorce people encourage you to meet someone new but when the love of your life has been taken from you, they want you to stay where you were. Almost to protect their memory of the person.

Well my memory is 2 cups of coffee in the morning, not the one that I make now. 2 bed side lamps being turned off at night, not one.
I want my old life. I want my old dreams. I want the family I so longed for and I had. I want to pretend that these things will just happen but how can then this be when what I want was my past.

My past not only with Steve but my hopes and dreams of a family life filled with the mundane family like things. House re decoration, friends round for supper, laughs and silliness that you only get with people you have known for a long time.

So how does anyone or anything compare to this.

Well at this point they simply don’t! Not their fault more mine than theirs. But I can’t do anything about this.
It’s simple really I want my old life back and that is a fact.
My life had been about meeting the person to settle down with, to be with like my parents and my brother and his wife, I wanted that family unit and being the determined person I was I knew I was going to get it.
Funny then that I found it and Cancer took it from me. Damn you cancer, not damn you Steve as you wanted it too. And we were so damn happy! But cancer you didn’t care did you. You didn’t care that I had found the love of my life. You didn’t care that we were finally a family. A unit which was secure and happy.

So now trying or should I say attempting to move forward I find myself meeting wonderful people, who are lovely and caring but for each thing they do to be kind to me reminds me of the fact your not here anymore. Maybe its out house, maybe it’s because your things are still here? Maybe it’s because I’m not ready? Who knows?
But what I do know is that Steve will always be the love of my life and noone can take that from me. And I will never stop missing him…….
So for those of you who do know me, then you will know Im doing my best and don’t judge me if I move forward. Steve would have wanted it and I wont do anything to hurt anyone. I just need to move forward from this place……

Because what does this place offer me?

He isn’t here….. He isn’t here for me to make the coffee for or to turn the bedside lamp off for……