Moving

Moving - Not far, not away, not forever just small steps in a journey that I wish every day that I could change.
Wishing wont change things though. Its the here and now that what is life is about. Not forgetting, nor regretting but just trying to do the best for everyone. 
Moving house just feels the right thing to do.
Not sure how I will feel not looking at the wonderful home that Steve and I created but I know Ive got to at least try. Hence why the house is only being rented. Rented feels less final.
It gives me the chance to change my mind.
Not that I think I will but I need the get out clause. Who knows if it is right, who knows how I will feel leaving the house for the last time.
Im dreading the next month.
Moving house is always stressful but knowing you have to box up your husbands things, discover the things buried at the back of the garage. Sort out the clothes, the personal things. Things you have forgotten about or discovering things that you dont know exist.
I think its the fear more than the doing that Im dreading most. I know that the "doing" is simply practical tasks and I know Ive lots of people to help me but I dont want it to turn into an event. I dont want to "plan" sorting out Steves things I just want them to happen. I dont want to think about it I just need to do it! You know that practical approach not the emotional one.
But what I do know is that it is going to hurt. I dont want to be bagging up and bringing down the stairs Steves suits. I dont want to be looking at the leaf blower, hedge trimmer etc  knowing that Im never going to use any of these things but know that it will be painful parting from them.
But these things have to be done.
The move to Guildford is something I am excited about. The ability to live somewhere and experience things as myself not the person who carries the sadness of being a widow. The ability to see and discover things that dont constantly remind me of what I have lost. Instead have fun, laugh, smile and live.
After all Steves lived his life following the James Dean quote -
Dream as if you will live forever, live as if you will die today
and well its time I followed in the same footsteps.