Well I really thought that I was going to be okay this year. It is after all 2 years since Steve died. I thought Im going to be okay. I dont have trouble dealing with the 9th of the month anymore and Im stronger. Alot has happened in the last 2 years and Ive dealt with them all!
And after all it is only a date!
Hmmm somehow think I misjudged this one! I know as a Wright Im not often wrong but happy to admit this one.
Oh god it hurts. It hurts so much, it feels like the day he died. Feels like the moment I was left alone, to deal with things.
So many things have happened since Steve died, so many positive things, so many tough things but all have come and gone without me being able to share them with my best friend. The person who I shared the most difficult things with. I sat there through all of the doctors appointments. Discussing how Steve wanted his memorial service and all of those things we discussed together. But now I cant even talk to him about the most simple things.
I feel so sad.
Sad doesn't even quite cut it as it hurts.
Hurts, so much inside that I want to scream and run.
Run from this ridiculous feeling of hopelessness
I can deal with things. I can work things through, so why after 2 years can I not deal with this. I know he isnt coming back. I know he would want me to be happy. I know the 9th and 10th are simply dates. I know all of these things but they dont take away from the fact that he wasnt supposed to not be here. He wasnt old, he wasnt meant to die. We had so much living to do. We had only just started. So many plans, so many fun things to do and probably many painful things to deal with but ultimately we were meant to do those things together. I suppose its called future.
We had a future planned and now all I have of us is a past.
A past which I wouldnt change for the world but I suppose Im being selfish. I dont just want a past. I dont want simply memories. I want to live. But I want to live with Steve. I want to make new things to laugh and cry about.
As silly as it sounds I would even settle with an argument right now. I want something. I want a reaction.
But I know all of my wishing and wanting wont make those things happen. So I will have to settle with memories and remember I am lucky to have those memories as without those good times, this journey would be a lot harder.
x x
'Anniversaries' are so tough Sally. It seems so strange that a date can magnify the loss so much but it does. Please remember how far you have come and how immensely proud Steve would be. I've been following your blog over the last couple of years and the fact that the girls are so obviously flourishing and that you have been able to accomplish so much truly is a testament to the great love that you and Steve created. Heli x
ReplyDelete2 Years, they can seem like yesterday and a thousand miles away, all at the same time. I wanted to think about your wedding day this year and not the sad day of Steve's passing. As you say, Steve would want you to be happy and continue a life that he couldn't. And if that wonderful place Heaven is up there, then he would love nothing more than for you to live out loud, for nothing would make him happier. So look up to the stars, and know that Steve is watching you and waiting for you to smile again xxx
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