I am.......

I am…..

Coping

Moving forward

Dealing with it

Happy

Dealing with it

Living

Being

Dealing with it

Don’t you know that I am doing this. Life is for the living. And that’s what Im doing but why oh why do you keep cropping up. I know your not here. I know your happy for me, so why is that as Im trying to move forward that I still talk and refer everything back to you.

I suppose because you not only were a massive part of my life. The person that made me realise that it was possible to find a soul mate and someone I could “fancy the pants off” and find intellectually challenging and emotionally supporting (well sometimes!)

But that it was a surprise that I could be happy with my life, with a person who I trusted with everything!

So trying to move forward keeps bringing me back.

Making me question whether its actually possible or whether Im ready!

Lets be honest as great as you were, what new man wants to hear about your amazing ability to do everything better and more positive than anyone else in the world.

And that’s  before I start talking about my new found medical excellence and the fact Im Professor Hewitty!!!

Oh but I so want to. And I know you would want me to as well.
This xmas will be the 3^rd one with out you. The 3^rd time Ive got to sit with the family who love me very much and you. With us knowing your missing. Wishing you were there, with your great smile and silly jokes.

But your not and you wont be here again. No matter what we think and wish, your not coming back.

So how does this new life look like?
How does it feel?

To be the single girl, or more to the point the single women or in fact I should say the widow.

Oh my! How does that look. How do you behave when you have more baggage than most lost property central London stations.

Well god knows but Im going to do this, as Ive done the rest of my life!

Yep with blind determination, not seeing nor wanting to know how stupid this is but with the hopeful desire of anything is possible if you try hard enough!

How do you meet new men and not witter on! How do I not tell them in the first 30 seconds that Ive lost the love my life! And all of the intricate details of Kidney Cancer.

Well Im not sure but as Ive said above Im going to give it a damn good go!

And who knows, maybe there is a man out there who can put up with a woman who knows she met the love of her life but is hopeful that these things are like buses and you can feel this more than once.

And make them understand that I want to be with someone else. I want to be part of a new couple, knowing that I will be someone else girlfriend and I want to be taken care of. After 2 years of Steve not being here and 18 months of taking care of him. Im not sure what being taken care of looks or feels like.

The partnership which sees you take care of each other, love each other, cuddle each other and in fact just being a plural rather than the single that Ive been.

I know this is hard for others to deal with. I know everyone has there own grief to deal with but please wish me luck as I don’t want to be in this place but as Ive said on multiple posts before I cant change where I am, all I can do is make the best Ive where I am.

And Steve accepted this. He didn’t want to die but he knew that after he was gone that people would be left behind and he didn’t want me to be a sad lonely women who didn’t go out and spent her days as a recluse.

It is after all a life to be lived not one to waste, as life is too short.